Yep, really should have picked this back up back in August when I said I was gonna

FireMan snapped at me last night. I snapped back. And proceeded to grumble, grumble, grumble thru the house. Then I remembered this challenge and stopped talking, but still didn't have anything nice to say. To anyone.

I was ticked. I got sad. I got tired.

Grumble, grumble, grumble.

Okay. I'm picking up on my challenge today.

I need it. We need it. Now... where was I?

Day 8: appreciate your husband's faithfulness - how he is loyal to you. Let him know that you are glad he is loyal in your marriage.

And of course, I can't say anything negative about my husband, to him, or to anyone else about him.

NOTICE ME!

I was so upset last night, I left our bed to sleep on the couch.

Not only did FireMan not seem to care that I was upset, he didn't even notice that I left.

How do you not know that your spouse, your partner, your other half has left the bed? How do you not even care?

This morning he said "You must have gotten up early". He didn't even know that I didn't sleep with him. That I left our bed.

Worse yet? He didn't seem to care.

I came into work with a new appreciation. Oh sure, I still feel undervalued & under-appreciated in my job, but at least I know they notice when I'm not there. They miss me when I'm gone.

In the past I have dressed up in an effort to get FireMan's attention. Without fail, he doesn't even notice. Today, I realized in the car that I hadn't combed my hair. So I turned it into an experiment. I still haven't combed my hair. I'm waiting for someone to notice. Good or bad, just say something! just notice that something's different!

So far? No one has noticed.

So if I get dressed up and try to be attractive for him, and he doesn't notice, and I do nothing, not even comb my hair, and he doesn't notice... then why try at all?

If no matter what I do I'm still invisible, inconsequential... then why do anything at all?

Geez.

For the love of God, I'm your wife, just NOTICE ME !!!!

Must... Get Back... To This...

Must... focus... on... marriage... even... if... things... appear... better... now.

Don't defend your marriage after the attack, build it stronger before the attack.

Did a Past-Due Assignment Last Night

From Day 9: to listen to your spouse. Really listen.

They suggested two different exercises:

* spend an entire day listening to your husband, not speaking unless he asks you a question.
They suggest that if he asks what's going on, you tell him that you are making an effort to listen to him more.
* ask your husband a question about something he enjoys. Really listen to his responses. Keep asking questions until he tells you something you didn't know, and respond with "Wow! I didn't know that!"

I did the second exercise. The opportunity presented itself, as he was talking about the mechanics of fire trucks, and so I started asking him questions. He didn't really have a reaction, but then again he doesn't seem to notice I'm doing these challenges at all. I have to just trust that they are having small but sure effects on our relationship.

I'm better now

I'm thinking of picking this challenge back up where I left it.

Maybe... tomorrow.

Need to review where I am first.

Saw my Therapist Last Night

I told her I was taking a break from this assignment, and explained why.

She agrees that if that's how I feel, then a break is probably a good idea, but just not to give up totally on it yet.

Yay. I love being validated.

Not in the Mood

I'm taking a break from the assignments.

Still trying not to say anything negative, just not worrying about the assignments right now. I need a break.

Our relationship has been extremely stressful over the past few days, for me anyway, and I'm just not in the mood to pile more energy into my efforts right now. Honestly, I don't think I have the energy for it.

It is exhausting to keep giving, and giving, and giving, and feel like you're not getting anything in return. To feel like you are working your putuckus off, while your spouse flounces around doing whatever they please.

So I need a break. Maybe one day. Maybe a week. I don't know how long. Until my energy is up.

I need a break.

I don't know which day this is

I'm seriously behind.

And today has been rough.

I don't think I said anything negative about FireMan, but according to him I said he's an asshole. Pretty sure those words, or anything remotely like them, never came out of my mouth.

Losing. Patience.

God, give me patience. And understanding. And soften my heart towards FireMan, because it's starting to harden. I can feel it.

Basically, I tried to have a conversation with him regarding our needs. Mine, and his. I tell him what I need from him that I'm not giving (ie. compliments), and apparently to him that means I am calling him an asshole. I tried, really tried, and I think was successful, in saying no such thing. I was very careful in how I worded things. I explained to him how it made me feel, and I repeatedly said that I don't think he realizes how much it means to me, so he's not not doing it on purpose, he just doesn't realize that it's a need that I have, so I'm telling him.

To him, that = me being a nagging bitch and telling him he's an asshole.

So I give up on that end and turn the table. I want to know his needs too. Honestly do. I ask him. He says sex. I ask him for more details. He says "I don't know". I tell him that I want to fulfill this need for him, but that I have been honestly trying more, and opening up more, and we've been doing different things, and we have sex pretty much every night that he's home, so I need more information so that I can fill that need. He says "I don't know". Then gets mad because I'm asking him. Says I should just "figure it out". I explain to him (again) that that's where I'm confused, because I really have been putting more effort into it, but obviously my efforts have been in the wrong area, so I need him to tell me how I need to change direction for him. He continues to get agitated that I want to talk about it. I press.
Do you want this? "I don't know"
Do you want that? "I don't know"
Do you want biggety? "I don't know"
Do you want boo? "I don't know"
What the heck?!? The whole time I'm remaining calm, because I really am interested in what he needs from me. How can I be the best wife I can be if I'm not making any effort to fulfill my husband's needs, right?

And he gets angry!

I. Am. Losing. Patience.

Day 18 (and catch up)

If you read my other blog, you may realize that my laptop has been acting up, making it difficult to keep up with my blog posts. So here's an update on how I'm doing on my 30-Day-Husband-Encouragement-Challenge-For-Wives.

Today is Day 18. Today's challenge is to let FireMan know that I appreciate his joyfulness and his playful spirit.

{sigh}

He sure does have a playful spirit. Must. Appreciate. This.

It's been difficult lately. Because sometimes there are times to be serious, you know? And often he meets serious topics by cracking a joke. And that's just annoying.

Must. Appreciate. FireMan's. Playfulness.

To catch you up on my progress:

Day 8 (appreciating his faithfulness): not done yet
Day 9 (listening challenges): not done yet. Both of these challenges take time. I think I might be better off picking a day & just doing it, instead of waiting for the opportunity to present itself.
Day 12 (thanking him for something he's already doing): not done. I forgot.
Day 14 (praising him for how he walks in integrity): not done
Day 15 (pray for God to work in his heart): done
Day 16 (thank him for communicating with me): not done
Day 17 (ask him about his vision for our marriage & home): not done

If I'm not careful this 30 day challenge might end up taking me 60 days!

On another, but related note, I'm doing well with not speaking negatively, but sometimes struggle with negative thoughts about FireMan. I also struggle a lot with fear about our marriage. So I'm asking you to pray for me, specifically in those two areas.

Thanks for checking in.

Day 15 (and catching up)

Challenge is going well. I'm pretty sure I haven't said anything negative about my husband in quite some time. It's kinda sad that that is an achievement, isn't it?

Today's challenge is to praise FireMan for a way that he is growing spiritually. I'm not gonna lie, I don't know if I can do this. I don't see any spiritual growth on his part. Yes, he attends church regularly. He's actually more attentive to our attendance than I am. But often I feel that he does so out of a sense of obligation, not truly out of a desire to worship the Lord and hear His Word. And... that's about it.

So it appears that for today I will be doing the alternate challenge: pray earnestly that God will work in FireMan's heart and watch for signs of spiritual growth in the future.

I do still see improvements. Some days. It seems like our relationship will take three or four baby steps forward, then one giant jump backward. That's how it feels anyway.

I did manage to catch up on some of my homework:

Day 7 (praising his money management ability): did last night
Day 8 (appreciating his faithfulness): not done yet
Day 9 (listening challenges): not done yet. Both of these challenges take time. I think I might be better off picking a day & just doing it, instead of waiting for the opportunity to present itself.
Day 10 (telling him what I find attractive about him): did Friday
Day 12 (thanking him for something he's already doing): not done. I forgot.
Day 13 (praising his sexual prowess): no problem. Done the day of.
Day 14 (praising him for how he walks in integrity): not done

Day 12

Today's challenge is to see the positive that your husband is already doing and verbally thank him for that.

The idea is that sometimes our vision gets clouded by our perspective, and every now and then we need to clear our eyes and see the good.

Still behind on my assignments. Feel bad about it too. Yesterday's and the day before's were so easy, and I didn't do them. By the time I had a chance, I'd forgotten.

Holding steady in the not speaking negatively aspect. And I'm noticing a change in myself too, that I think is due to this change in speech: I'm not as angry anymore.

I had a lot of pent up anger & frustration that would come out in my speech. It's not that I'm just not saying it, keeping it bottled up inside, it's more like the anger isn't there. Well, not nearly as much.

Of course, it's all a trade-off. I may not feel as angry, but I do feel more... sad. Sadness is definitely my dominating emotion right now, when it comes to my marriage. I'm sad a lot.

To recap how pitifully I'm doing:
Day 7 (praising his money managing ability) hasn't really presented itself yet. Day 8 (appreciating his faithfulness) not done. Day 9 (listening challenge) not done. Those both seem like they'll take time, so it might be a while. Day 10 (noting his attractiveness) not done, but shouldn't be a problem. Day 12 (today) I don't think will be a problem. We'll see how the rest of the day plays out.

"With all lowliness and meekness, with longsuffering, forbearing one another in love;"  -- Ephesians 4:2

Day 11

I am so far behind on my assignments. If I were to grade myself, I think I'd get a "C", and that would only be because I'm doing pretty good on the not-saying-anything-negative thing.

I still struggle with what "negative" means, what the intent of the exercise is.

If I'm annoyed at something he's doing to me, am I being negative by asking him to stop? I think not, but then I think he would say "yes".
Things like that go thru my head every day.

Anyway, today's assignment is to show respect to your husband, preferably in public. It's very broad & general.

I've noticed a lot of these assignments as you to do / say things "in public". Just a point of interest.

Doing pretty well on the not-being-negative thing today. Don't think I've said anything negative.

Day 7 (praising his money managing ability) hasn't really presented itself yet. Day 8 (appreciating his faithfulness) not done. Day 9 (listening challenge) not done. Those both seem like they'll take time, so it might be a while. Day 10 (noting his attractiveness) not done, but shouldn't be a problem. If nothing else, my firefighter is hot! Day 11 (today) I don't think will be a problem, it's just that it's very broad. We'll see how the evening plays out.

"Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as unto the Lord."  -- Ephesians 5:22

Day 10 (yesterday)

Yesterday's challenge was to tell your husband something you find attractive in him. Could be physical. Could be personality or other characteristic. Just something.

Unfortunately I'm really far behind, and so didn't even read what my assignment was until today.

"Behold, thou art fair, my beloved, yea, pleasant:..."  -- Song of Solomon 1:16a

Day 9

Today's challenge is to listen to your spouse. Really listen.

They suggest two different exercises:
 * spend an entire day listening to your husband, not speaking unless he asks you a question.
        They suggest that if he asks what's going on, you tell him that you are making an effort to listen to him more. I think I'll give it a shot, but I'm still afraid he'll think I'm mad at him, or something.
 * ask your husband a question about something he enjoys. Really listen to his responses. Keep asking questions until he tells you something you didn't know, and respond with "Wow! I didn't know that!"
        I guess I could give it a shot.

Not gonna happen today though. Day's already over.
No negative speech today. So that's good. It's a lot easier when he's at work, LOL.

"Wherefore, my beloved brethren, let every man be swift to hear, slow to speak, slow to wrath:"  -- James 1:19

Day 8 (yesterday)

Struggled yesterday. One thing I struggle with is when I feel like FireMan is attacking me, when he is saying hurtful things. I find it difficult to defend myself without sounding negative. Sometimes I have opted to trying to ignore it and not saying anything. Sometimes I defend myself. And this leads to internal conflict. I am proud of myself for standing up for myself & defending myself. But I don't want to get sucked into his negativity.

I also struggle with the intent of this exercise. When it says no "negative" speech, do they mean negative in my eyes, or negative in my husband's eyes. Because I'm pretty certain that some of the things I've said to defend myself, although I don't see them as negative, I'm pretty sure that FireMan would perceive them that way. So is the exercise for me to not say anything truly negative, or to not say anything that is perceived as negative? Follow?

Yesterday's assignment was to show your husband that you appreciate his faithfulness: both to you in his commitment to your marital vows, and his faithfulness to God.

Eh. Not done.

I did manage to finish the assignment from Day 6 though, praising him in public. At the cookout with my friends that I mentioned, he was telling someone how he was a volunteer recovery diver, and I bragged on him a bit. All true too. I really am proud of him, you know.

Also managed to complete the assignment from Day 5. Friday night we were at my parents' house, and I got to express my love for my husband to family.

Day 7 (praising his money managing ability) hasn't really presented itself yet. Day 8 (today) not done. This homework is piling up!

"Most men will proclaim every one his own goodness: but a faithful man who can find?"  -- Proverbs 20:6

Day 7

Today's challenge is to discover ways to encourage & help FireMan in the way of money / finances and let him know how I appreciate his strengths in financial matters.

FireMan is very frugal with money, so this is easy to do, but again... if the opportunity presents. Maybe I'm overthinking it, but again I just think it would be weird to just blurt it out if we're not already talking about money in some area.

The not-speaking-negatively seems to be getting easier. I think sometimes it becomes a matter of habit, and getting back in tune with what is actually coming out of your mouth, you know.

Outstanding assignments:

Day 5: tell a relative (his or yours) how much you love, respect, and support your husband.

Day 6: praise his creative accomplishments in public, while he is listening.

One struggle I have been having is feelings of selfishness. When I think about my assignments, I sometimes find myself thinking: "where are my compliments? where's my encouragement? why do I still have to listen to negative words from my husband? why isn't anyone doing this for me?" I'm sure it's a natural reaction, but sometimes I wonder if it's Satan trying to distract me from my course. Must. Stay. The. Course.

"Labour not to be rich: cease from thine own wisdom. Wilt thou set thine eyes upon that which is not? for riches certainly make themselves wings; they fly away as an eagle toward heaven."  -- Proverbs 23:4-5

"That I may cause those that love me to inherit substance; and I will fill their treasures."  -- Proverbs 8:21

Day 6

Today's assigment, once again, is leaving me struggling for the opportunity to complete it.

I am to praise his creative accomplishments in public, while he is listening.

Well, he's at work until tomorrow night. I'm thinking this weekend will be good though. We have a cookout on Saturday, plus two different family outings on Monday. Saturday would be best. It's a cookout with some of my old friends, none of which he's ever met. I think that would be be the best day for that, right?

So while today's assigment leaves me struggling for opportunity, I did catch up on some of my other assignments.

Day 3: Let FireMan know that I appreciate his kindness & consideration towards me. Well, yesterday when I got home I found that FireMan had watered my flowers for me, without me asking. Opportunity = assignment done.

Day 4: Let your husband know how much you appreciate the work he does. We got our first sizeable check for FireMan's business yesterday. Perfect opportunity for me to appreciate how much I appreciate his work he does, and how proud I am of him. Opportunity = assigment done.

And, call me crazy, but I think this whole challenge thing might be working. Or FireMan's up to something, LOL. The past day or so there has been a noticeable change in his... demeanor(?).

Yay.

"...whatsoever ye do, do all to the glory of God."  -- I Corinthians 10:31b

Day 5 (yesterday)

As predicted, the opportunity did not present itself to tell a relative how I feel about my husband.

I did do pretty well on the no-negative-words thing though. So that's good.

Day 4 (yesterday)

Once again, I had intended to log on last night to update my blog, but we ended up going to the park and getting home late, so I didn't get ont he itnernet at all last night.

The challenges seem to be getting harder. Not from a doing standpoint, but from a finding-the-opportunity standpoint. So my homework is piling up since I'm not finding the opportunities to do them.

Here are my outstanding assignments:

Day 3: Let FireMan know that I appreciate his kindness & consideration towards me. I swear I'm looking for this. I'm not seeing it. Another option they provide is gently telling your husband that you need more kindess & consideration from him. I've considered this, but am concerned that no matter how I say it he'll take it as some sort of nagging. So I'm really hoping he'll do something that I can count as kind & considerate.

Day 4: Let your husband know how much you appreciate the work he does. I guess I could just come out & say it, but I'm afraid if we're not talking about work or something, it'll seem... forced. And I want it to seem genuine, because it is.

Day 5 (today's assignment): tell a relative (his or yours) how much you love, respect, and support your husband. How do you do that unless you're already talking about him? Am I supposed to call his mom out of the blue and say "I just wanted you to know how much I love your son"? Call up my dad and say "did you know that I support FireMan no matter what"? I guess I'm just struggling with timing.

The past couple of days I've done pretty well with the no-negative-talking thing. It's getting easier. Most of the time. I have discovered one side effect though: our sex life suffers.
Take last night for instance. I sought his advice regarding something small, but something small that I'm worried about. He refused. Said he didn't want to think about it. I persisted. He resisted. Then he tries to make a move. I was pretty upset with him by that point, shoved him off of me, rolled over & went to sleep.
Now, in the past, I would have said something negative to him, we'd get into a mini-argument, but most of the time we'd get it all out and move on to getting it on. Now that I can't say what I want to him? I don't say anything. I roll over & go to sleep. And so... our sex life suffers. Just an example.
For now I'm counting that as a minor casualty on the road to healing our relationship. And that once healed, I'm guessing our sex life will be better than ever.

"Let no corrupt communication proceed out of your mouth, but that which is good to the use of edifying, that it may minister grace unto the hearers."  -- Ephesians 4:29

Day 3 (yesterday)

I had intended to post last night, but forgot.

Yesterday's challenge was to let your husband know that you appreciate his kindness and consideration towards you, that you value the way he is gentle or tender.

The opportunity to do so did not arise.

See, FireMan is not very gentle or tender. He is often inconsiderate, and can come off unkind. And I don't totally blame him for this. As I have grown to know his family, I have come to realize that he didn't really have any role models in this area. Not even his mother.
Sensitive issues, of any kind, are much more likely to be met with a crass remark, a crude joke, or a sarcastic comment than with any sort of understanding or kindness.

So... I guess I'll just keep this in mind, keep my eyes open for even the slightest showing of consideration towards me, and show my appreciation then.

One interesting point: at the end of the challenge description, it says to remember that "Ultimately, you can't expect your husband to make you feel more secure, loved, etc. Remember that only God can meet the deepest needs of your heart." This definitely hits home for me.

"Charity suffereth long, and is kind; charity envieth not; charity vaunteth not itself, is not puffed up,"  -- I Corinthians 13:4

"But my God shall supply all your need according to his riches in glory by Christ Jesus."  -- Phillippians 4:19

Day 2

I slipped once today. I was talking to my mom, and I slipped about FireMan not being sensitive to me. I guess that qualifies as speaking negatively of him to others.

Biting my tongue is definitely difficult. But other than that slipup, I'm doing well. Although sometimes this leads to dead space in our conversations, LOL.

Today's challenge is to praise FireMan for his willingness to serve others, and to let him know that I see his unique service as a strength.

So, my plan is, when he gets home from a Water Rescue training session, to thank him for running the dishwasher this morning, tellhim how proud I am of his skills as a rescue & recovery diver and how neat it is that he is one of a very few people who can do that, and thank him for (hopefully) bringing home some milk.

"... by love serve one another."  -- Galations 5:13b

Day 1

This. Is. Hard.

Already.

Today's challenge is to let your husband know you're glad your his wife. You're glad your married. Easy enough. Done.

The not saying negative things has been more difficult. Already. And the day's only half over. And it's only Day One.

I mean, I'm not that bad. It's not like I'm a total b**** or something. The challenge just makes me think before I speak. Something I should be doing anyway, right? With everyone. And I've held my tongue quite a bit today. Not that what I was gonna say was really negative, it just wasn't... positive. So I didn't say it. I have a feeling this exercise will end up being good not only for our relationship, but for me as an individual as well.

One of my struggles is that I tend to be rather passive-aggressive. So what I'm actually saying, or sometimes doing, to get my point across isn't negative in & of itself. It's sometimes the... intent(?), I guess. I have a feeling that's gonna be quite a struggle for me over the next month.

"The heart of her husband doth safely trust in her, so that he shall have no need of spoil. She will do him good and not evil all the days of her life."  -- Proverbs 31:11-12

Day -1

I found a 30-Day Husband Encouragement Challenge for Wives and liked the way it sounded. So this is my journey thru that challenge.

If you happen to read any of my other blogs, you've probably come to realize that FireMan & I have been having some struggles lately in our relationship. Being familiar with FireProof (both the movie, and the concept), I've been thinking of it a lot lately. And although I know that I can't fix everything myself, I also acknowledge that I need to do whatever I can to improve not only the situation, but myself as well, working to become the best wife & partner I can be. And some guidance in this area would be very helpful.

I am not the perfect wife. Not by far. I am flawed. I have faults. And I need to work on them. And so when I stumbled on this challenge today, while googling something else (God? fate?) I at first ignored it. After all, it wasn't what I was looking for. Then I opened the site. Then navigated away from it. Then went back. Then decided to do it & printed it out.

And then, because throughout my life I have come to realize that if I am going thru something, then someone else is too, I decided to blog about my experience with the challenge. If nothing else, hopefully by sharing my journey, it will let someone else out there realize that they are not alone, and maybe give them some ideas for their situation as well.

I start the challenge tomorrow.

What is the challenge? Here's the essence of it:

Every day for the next 30 days:
 * I cannot say anything negative about FireMan. This includes things I say to him, and things I say to others about him. Nothing negative at all.
 * I must say something that I admire or appreciate about Fireman. This should be said both to him, and to others about him.

On top of that every day has it's own separate assignment.

Ha! Thirty days is starting to sound like a long time! But I'll we'll get there!