What I want? or what he wants?

So, after a lengthy, and disgruntled, conversation between Jason and myself the other night, the following thought / piece of advice came to mind:

Stop doing things for your spouse that you want done for you, and start doing things for your spouse that they want done.

It seems so simple, but I think we can't be the only ones who make this mistake. And I am as guilty of it as he is. We tend to do things for each other based on what we want, instead of thinking of what the other person wants.

I've even read magazine articles & even marital help books suggesting that if you want your partner to do something for you, you do it for them, and they'll reciprocate. One example that I recall is a book suggesting to women that if they want their husbands to be more romantic, the women should do romantic things for the men, then the husbands will in turn do the same for their wives.
I mean, maybe, right? But if I bring Jason home a dozen roses, I don't think he's likely to think "that was nice, maybe I'll bring Jodi some". He's more likely to think "what in the world made her think I want flowers?".

And besides, when you do what you want but for them, even if it's for them, isn't it still in a way, selfish? Because you're giving them what you want, not what they want. You're not taking the time or effort to think about what they want. You're in a sense taking the easy way out.

Is this making any sense at all?

I hope so. Because for me it was a revelation, and I think it's a really good one.

Stop doing things for your spouse that you actually want done for you, and start doing the things that they want done for them.

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This was originally posted on my other blog in 2009. Decided to re-post it over here.

Just Being There

Jason was making plans to attend a professional conference in Alabama, when I mentioned my plans for while he was gone.

And that was met with disappointment.

Ends up, he wanted me to go to.

But why? I asked. Other than the drive down & back, and maybe meeting for dinner at night, we'd only see each other to sleep.

Ends up... he needs me.

This is a new venture for him, he knows no one, and he was feeling nervous.

And I am his security blanket. Just knowing I am there makes him feel better.

And since I had enough vacation time left at work, I agreed to come. My plan is to spend some time working on my blog, and maybe do a little shopping. I'm sure I'll manage to keep busy.

And so I am typing this from our hotel room, while he is downstairs attending a session. We drove down yesterday. Went to the hotel bar last night in an attempt for him to network. Once I saw that he was comfortably chatting with a group of guys, I excused myself.

He's good now.

And he told me today that he's glad I came.

And it just reminds me, that sometimes the best way we can support our spouse, strengthen our marriage, is simply to be there.

This needs to be shared

I've tried three times to think of how to introduce this story, but my words seem so inadequate. This is a marriage story, that although unfinished, needs to be shared. Enjoy.

Kid-Dom