Wednesday, April 24, 2013

I Fail Him Daily

Today Jason announced that tomorrow he isn't on shift, and doesn't have any jobs for his side business scheduled, so he's going to stay home and probably spend some time cleaning the house.

Our disaster of a house.

I have admitted more than once that keeping the house is something that I struggle to accomplish. At least to my satisfaction, or even my husband's. It was already a struggle. But the fatigue that has hit me the past few weeks has pushed it over the edge. Our house is not in a good condition. Seriously.

I've been thinking of taking a vacation day myself, just to clean. But I have several days coming up already, and feel like I don't want to over-do it on the vacation requests, or use them all up all at once. I'm taking off this Friday for a weekend trip, another day in two weeks to visit with a friend from out of town, and in two more weeks another two days for a family vacation. But I digress...

He has never complained about the house being a mess. This time, I mean. Since my short-lived pregnancy and then miscarriage. He knows I'm fighting the fatigue. He may not always be the most romantic husband, say the sweetest things, but this time he has done a good job of not saying the things that would sting.

This has not escaped me.

But just him mentioning that he would "work on the house" on his day off stung. Not because it was a passive aggressive comment on my lack of housekeeping skills (although in a different tone of voice it definitely could have been). Not because he was nasty about it, or threw in any other hateful words. No, not because of anything he did.

It stung because it was a reminder to me of one way in which I am failing my husband.

And then it really sunk in. I am failing my husband. Daily.

Furthermore, he is failing me. Daily.

Why? Why so harsh? Because neither of us is perfect. We fail each other daily, yet we come back to one another each day, each night, again and again because of our love for one another, but even more than that, because of the covenant we made between one another and God.

Each of us have needs that go unmet. Sometimes for a day, sometimes continually. We do not, we cannot, perfectly meet all of each other's needs. Yet as a spouse, it is our duty to try. We are be one, to complete each other, meeting each other in our places of imperfection, and filling in the gaps as we are able.

As I thought about this idea - the meeting of needs, the failing, and so on and so forth - it dawned on me how much our marriages really are a reflection of our relationship with God.

We fail Him daily too. Not because we aren't good, but none of us are perfect. We fail Him with every tiny sin, every white lie, every missed opportunity to share His love. We fail him a hundred times in a hundred ways, every single day.

Yet He waits for us, reaches out for us. We come back to Him each day, each night, again and again, because of His love for us and His commitment to us.

So we fail. But because of the grace of God we are renewed each and every moment of each and every day. Every moment is another chance at success.

So here's to trying again another day.

Thursday, April 4, 2013

I've probably been a bit naggy lately

Lately I've been struggling with being supportive of my husband. This is definitely an area I need to work on.

See, Jason has started a new business, which is great. It really is awesome to see his enthusiasm for this new endeavour, and I believe it is something that he can be very successful at.

But, as with just about any business startup, the beginning kinda stinks.

He's been putting a lot of time, and energy, and yes, money into something that so far has little to no financial return.

And in my head, I get that. I understand that it's just starting out and it will take time to build up a good customer base, it will take time to get his name out there. Some things just take time.

But the time away from his normal 2nd job (his 1st job is a firefighter) to start things up means a drastic drop in our household income while we're waiting for this business to take off.

And that is causing me stress.

Not being able to pay all of our bills. Having to drastically cut back on our food budget. Standing in the grocery trying to decide if we should buy milk or toothpaste, because we can't afford both right now. These are the things that stress me out. Greatly.

And so, while I really do support Jason on this endeavour, and I do believe he can succeed, and I do whatever I can to help him out... I also know that my tone of voice has not been the most... loving... lately. In fact, it's probably been a bit naggy.

But I'm trying. If I catch myself in that negative tone of voice, I try to stop, and even walk away if I have to. He knows our budget and our bills. He knows the situation. He doesn't need me to mouth off about it.

And so, I'm working on it.

But man, it'd be nice if some $$ would start rolling in while we wait, wouldn't it?

As always, thanks for checking in!