From Day 9: to listen to your spouse. Really listen.
They suggested two different exercises:
* spend an entire day listening to your husband, not speaking unless he asks you a question.
They suggest that if he asks what's going on, you tell him that you are making an effort to listen to him more.
* ask your husband a question about something he enjoys. Really listen to his responses. Keep asking questions until he tells you something you didn't know, and respond with "Wow! I didn't know that!"
I did the second exercise. The opportunity presented itself, as he was talking about the mechanics of fire trucks, and so I started asking him questions. He didn't really have a reaction, but then again he doesn't seem to notice I'm doing these challenges at all. I have to just trust that they are having small but sure effects on our relationship.
Friday, July 30, 2010
Wednesday, July 28, 2010
I'm better now
I'm thinking of picking this challenge back up where I left it.
Maybe... tomorrow.
Need to review where I am first.
Maybe... tomorrow.
Need to review where I am first.
Tuesday, July 20, 2010
Saw my Therapist Last Night
I told her I was taking a break from this assignment, and explained why.
She agrees that if that's how I feel, then a break is probably a good idea, but just not to give up totally on it yet.
Yay. I love being validated.
She agrees that if that's how I feel, then a break is probably a good idea, but just not to give up totally on it yet.
Yay. I love being validated.
Monday, July 19, 2010
Not in the Mood
I'm taking a break from the assignments.
Still trying not to say anything negative, just not worrying about the assignments right now. I need a break.
Our relationship has been extremely stressful over the past few days, for me anyway, and I'm just not in the mood to pile more energy into my efforts right now. Honestly, I don't think I have the energy for it.
It is exhausting to keep giving, and giving, and giving, and feel like you're not getting anything in return. To feel like you are working your putuckus off, while your spouse flounces around doing whatever they please.
So I need a break. Maybe one day. Maybe a week. I don't know how long. Until my energy is up.
I need a break.
Still trying not to say anything negative, just not worrying about the assignments right now. I need a break.
Our relationship has been extremely stressful over the past few days, for me anyway, and I'm just not in the mood to pile more energy into my efforts right now. Honestly, I don't think I have the energy for it.
It is exhausting to keep giving, and giving, and giving, and feel like you're not getting anything in return. To feel like you are working your putuckus off, while your spouse flounces around doing whatever they please.
So I need a break. Maybe one day. Maybe a week. I don't know how long. Until my energy is up.
I need a break.
Sunday, July 18, 2010
I don't know which day this is
I'm seriously behind.
And today has been rough.
I don't think I said anything negative about FireMan, but according to him I said he's an asshole. Pretty sure those words, or anything remotely like them, never came out of my mouth.
Losing. Patience.
God, give me patience. And understanding. And soften my heart towards FireMan, because it's starting to harden. I can feel it.
Basically, I tried to have a conversation with him regarding our needs. Mine, and his. I tell him what I need from him that I'm not giving (ie. compliments), and apparently to him that means I am calling him an asshole. I tried, really tried, and I think was successful, in saying no such thing. I was very careful in how I worded things. I explained to him how it made me feel, and I repeatedly said that I don't think he realizes how much it means to me, so he's not not doing it on purpose, he just doesn't realize that it's a need that I have, so I'm telling him.
To him, that = me being a nagging bitch and telling him he's an asshole.
So I give up on that end and turn the table. I want to know his needs too. Honestly do. I ask him. He says sex. I ask him for more details. He says "I don't know". I tell him that I want to fulfill this need for him, but that I have been honestly trying more, and opening up more, and we've been doing different things, and we have sex pretty much every night that he's home, so I need more information so that I can fill that need. He says "I don't know". Then gets mad because I'm asking him. Says I should just "figure it out". I explain to him (again) that that's where I'm confused, because I really have been putting more effort into it, but obviously my efforts have been in the wrong area, so I need him to tell me how I need to change direction for him. He continues to get agitated that I want to talk about it. I press.
Do you want this? "I don't know"
Do you want that? "I don't know"
Do you want biggety? "I don't know"
Do you want boo? "I don't know"
What the heck?!? The whole time I'm remaining calm, because I really am interested in what he needs from me. How can I be the best wife I can be if I'm not making any effort to fulfill my husband's needs, right?
And he gets angry!
I. Am. Losing. Patience.
And today has been rough.
I don't think I said anything negative about FireMan, but according to him I said he's an asshole. Pretty sure those words, or anything remotely like them, never came out of my mouth.
Losing. Patience.
God, give me patience. And understanding. And soften my heart towards FireMan, because it's starting to harden. I can feel it.
Basically, I tried to have a conversation with him regarding our needs. Mine, and his. I tell him what I need from him that I'm not giving (ie. compliments), and apparently to him that means I am calling him an asshole. I tried, really tried, and I think was successful, in saying no such thing. I was very careful in how I worded things. I explained to him how it made me feel, and I repeatedly said that I don't think he realizes how much it means to me, so he's not not doing it on purpose, he just doesn't realize that it's a need that I have, so I'm telling him.
To him, that = me being a nagging bitch and telling him he's an asshole.
So I give up on that end and turn the table. I want to know his needs too. Honestly do. I ask him. He says sex. I ask him for more details. He says "I don't know". I tell him that I want to fulfill this need for him, but that I have been honestly trying more, and opening up more, and we've been doing different things, and we have sex pretty much every night that he's home, so I need more information so that I can fill that need. He says "I don't know". Then gets mad because I'm asking him. Says I should just "figure it out". I explain to him (again) that that's where I'm confused, because I really have been putting more effort into it, but obviously my efforts have been in the wrong area, so I need him to tell me how I need to change direction for him. He continues to get agitated that I want to talk about it. I press.
Do you want this? "I don't know"
Do you want that? "I don't know"
Do you want biggety? "I don't know"
Do you want boo? "I don't know"
What the heck?!? The whole time I'm remaining calm, because I really am interested in what he needs from me. How can I be the best wife I can be if I'm not making any effort to fulfill my husband's needs, right?
And he gets angry!
I. Am. Losing. Patience.
Tuesday, July 13, 2010
Day 18 (and catch up)
If you read my other blog, you may realize that my laptop has been acting up, making it difficult to keep up with my blog posts. So here's an update on how I'm doing on my 30-Day-Husband-Encouragement-Challenge-For-Wives.
Today is Day 18. Today's challenge is to let FireMan know that I appreciate his joyfulness and his playful spirit.
{sigh}
He sure does have a playful spirit. Must. Appreciate. This.
It's been difficult lately. Because sometimes there are times to be serious, you know? And often he meets serious topics by cracking a joke. And that's just annoying.
Must. Appreciate. FireMan's. Playfulness.
To catch you up on my progress:
Day 8 (appreciating his faithfulness): not done yet
Day 9 (listening challenges): not done yet. Both of these challenges take time. I think I might be better off picking a day & just doing it, instead of waiting for the opportunity to present itself.
Day 12 (thanking him for something he's already doing): not done. I forgot.
Day 14 (praising him for how he walks in integrity): not done
Day 15 (pray for God to work in his heart): done
Day 16 (thank him for communicating with me): not done
Day 17 (ask him about his vision for our marriage & home): not done
If I'm not careful this 30 day challenge might end up taking me 60 days!
On another, but related note, I'm doing well with not speaking negatively, but sometimes struggle with negative thoughts about FireMan. I also struggle a lot with fear about our marriage. So I'm asking you to pray for me, specifically in those two areas.
Thanks for checking in.
Today is Day 18. Today's challenge is to let FireMan know that I appreciate his joyfulness and his playful spirit.
{sigh}
He sure does have a playful spirit. Must. Appreciate. This.
It's been difficult lately. Because sometimes there are times to be serious, you know? And often he meets serious topics by cracking a joke. And that's just annoying.
Must. Appreciate. FireMan's. Playfulness.
To catch you up on my progress:
Day 8 (appreciating his faithfulness): not done yet
Day 9 (listening challenges): not done yet. Both of these challenges take time. I think I might be better off picking a day & just doing it, instead of waiting for the opportunity to present itself.
Day 12 (thanking him for something he's already doing): not done. I forgot.
Day 14 (praising him for how he walks in integrity): not done
Day 15 (pray for God to work in his heart): done
Day 16 (thank him for communicating with me): not done
Day 17 (ask him about his vision for our marriage & home): not done
If I'm not careful this 30 day challenge might end up taking me 60 days!
On another, but related note, I'm doing well with not speaking negatively, but sometimes struggle with negative thoughts about FireMan. I also struggle a lot with fear about our marriage. So I'm asking you to pray for me, specifically in those two areas.
Thanks for checking in.
Saturday, July 10, 2010
Day 15 (and catching up)
Challenge is going well. I'm pretty sure I haven't said anything negative about my husband in quite some time. It's kinda sad that that is an achievement, isn't it?
Today's challenge is to praise FireMan for a way that he is growing spiritually. I'm not gonna lie, I don't know if I can do this. I don't see any spiritual growth on his part. Yes, he attends church regularly. He's actually more attentive to our attendance than I am. But often I feel that he does so out of a sense of obligation, not truly out of a desire to worship the Lord and hear His Word. And... that's about it.
So it appears that for today I will be doing the alternate challenge: pray earnestly that God will work in FireMan's heart and watch for signs of spiritual growth in the future.
I do still see improvements. Some days. It seems like our relationship will take three or four baby steps forward, then one giant jump backward. That's how it feels anyway.
I did manage to catch up on some of my homework:
Day 7 (praising his money management ability): did last night
Day 8 (appreciating his faithfulness): not done yet
Day 9 (listening challenges): not done yet. Both of these challenges take time. I think I might be better off picking a day & just doing it, instead of waiting for the opportunity to present itself.
Day 10 (telling him what I find attractive about him): did Friday
Day 12 (thanking him for something he's already doing): not done. I forgot.
Day 13 (praising his sexual prowess): no problem. Done the day of.
Day 14 (praising him for how he walks in integrity): not done
Today's challenge is to praise FireMan for a way that he is growing spiritually. I'm not gonna lie, I don't know if I can do this. I don't see any spiritual growth on his part. Yes, he attends church regularly. He's actually more attentive to our attendance than I am. But often I feel that he does so out of a sense of obligation, not truly out of a desire to worship the Lord and hear His Word. And... that's about it.
So it appears that for today I will be doing the alternate challenge: pray earnestly that God will work in FireMan's heart and watch for signs of spiritual growth in the future.
I do still see improvements. Some days. It seems like our relationship will take three or four baby steps forward, then one giant jump backward. That's how it feels anyway.
I did manage to catch up on some of my homework:
Day 7 (praising his money management ability): did last night
Day 8 (appreciating his faithfulness): not done yet
Day 9 (listening challenges): not done yet. Both of these challenges take time. I think I might be better off picking a day & just doing it, instead of waiting for the opportunity to present itself.
Day 10 (telling him what I find attractive about him): did Friday
Day 12 (thanking him for something he's already doing): not done. I forgot.
Day 13 (praising his sexual prowess): no problem. Done the day of.
Day 14 (praising him for how he walks in integrity): not done
Wednesday, July 7, 2010
Day 12
Today's challenge is to see the positive that your husband is already doing and verbally thank him for that.
The idea is that sometimes our vision gets clouded by our perspective, and every now and then we need to clear our eyes and see the good.
Still behind on my assignments. Feel bad about it too. Yesterday's and the day before's were so easy, and I didn't do them. By the time I had a chance, I'd forgotten.
Holding steady in the not speaking negatively aspect. And I'm noticing a change in myself too, that I think is due to this change in speech: I'm not as angry anymore.
I had a lot of pent up anger & frustration that would come out in my speech. It's not that I'm just not saying it, keeping it bottled up inside, it's more like the anger isn't there. Well, not nearly as much.
Of course, it's all a trade-off. I may not feel as angry, but I do feel more... sad. Sadness is definitely my dominating emotion right now, when it comes to my marriage. I'm sad a lot.
To recap how pitifully I'm doing:
Day 7 (praising his money managing ability) hasn't really presented itself yet. Day 8 (appreciating his faithfulness) not done. Day 9 (listening challenge) not done. Those both seem like they'll take time, so it might be a while. Day 10 (noting his attractiveness) not done, but shouldn't be a problem. Day 12 (today) I don't think will be a problem. We'll see how the rest of the day plays out.
The idea is that sometimes our vision gets clouded by our perspective, and every now and then we need to clear our eyes and see the good.
Still behind on my assignments. Feel bad about it too. Yesterday's and the day before's were so easy, and I didn't do them. By the time I had a chance, I'd forgotten.
Holding steady in the not speaking negatively aspect. And I'm noticing a change in myself too, that I think is due to this change in speech: I'm not as angry anymore.
I had a lot of pent up anger & frustration that would come out in my speech. It's not that I'm just not saying it, keeping it bottled up inside, it's more like the anger isn't there. Well, not nearly as much.
Of course, it's all a trade-off. I may not feel as angry, but I do feel more... sad. Sadness is definitely my dominating emotion right now, when it comes to my marriage. I'm sad a lot.
To recap how pitifully I'm doing:
Day 7 (praising his money managing ability) hasn't really presented itself yet. Day 8 (appreciating his faithfulness) not done. Day 9 (listening challenge) not done. Those both seem like they'll take time, so it might be a while. Day 10 (noting his attractiveness) not done, but shouldn't be a problem. Day 12 (today) I don't think will be a problem. We'll see how the rest of the day plays out.
"With all lowliness and meekness, with longsuffering, forbearing one another in love;" -- Ephesians 4:2
Tuesday, July 6, 2010
Day 11
I am so far behind on my assignments. If I were to grade myself, I think I'd get a "C", and that would only be because I'm doing pretty good on the not-saying-anything-negative thing.
I still struggle with what "negative" means, what the intent of the exercise is.
If I'm annoyed at something he's doing to me, am I being negative by asking him to stop? I think not, but then I think he would say "yes".
Things like that go thru my head every day.
Anyway, today's assignment is to show respect to your husband, preferably in public. It's very broad & general.
I've noticed a lot of these assignments as you to do / say things "in public". Just a point of interest.
Doing pretty well on the not-being-negative thing today. Don't think I've said anything negative.
Day 7 (praising his money managing ability) hasn't really presented itself yet. Day 8 (appreciating his faithfulness) not done. Day 9 (listening challenge) not done. Those both seem like they'll take time, so it might be a while. Day 10 (noting his attractiveness) not done, but shouldn't be a problem. If nothing else, my firefighter is hot! Day 11 (today) I don't think will be a problem, it's just that it's very broad. We'll see how the evening plays out.
I still struggle with what "negative" means, what the intent of the exercise is.
If I'm annoyed at something he's doing to me, am I being negative by asking him to stop? I think not, but then I think he would say "yes".
Things like that go thru my head every day.
Anyway, today's assignment is to show respect to your husband, preferably in public. It's very broad & general.
I've noticed a lot of these assignments as you to do / say things "in public". Just a point of interest.
Doing pretty well on the not-being-negative thing today. Don't think I've said anything negative.
Day 7 (praising his money managing ability) hasn't really presented itself yet. Day 8 (appreciating his faithfulness) not done. Day 9 (listening challenge) not done. Those both seem like they'll take time, so it might be a while. Day 10 (noting his attractiveness) not done, but shouldn't be a problem. If nothing else, my firefighter is hot! Day 11 (today) I don't think will be a problem, it's just that it's very broad. We'll see how the evening plays out.
"Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as unto the Lord." -- Ephesians 5:22
Day 10 (yesterday)
Yesterday's challenge was to tell your husband something you find attractive in him. Could be physical. Could be personality or other characteristic. Just something.
Unfortunately I'm really far behind, and so didn't even read what my assignment was until today.
Unfortunately I'm really far behind, and so didn't even read what my assignment was until today.
"Behold, thou art fair, my beloved, yea, pleasant:..." -- Song of Solomon 1:16a
Monday, July 5, 2010
Day 9
Today's challenge is to listen to your spouse. Really listen.
They suggest two different exercises:
* spend an entire day listening to your husband, not speaking unless he asks you a question.
They suggest that if he asks what's going on, you tell him that you are making an effort to listen to him more. I think I'll give it a shot, but I'm still afraid he'll think I'm mad at him, or something.
* ask your husband a question about something he enjoys. Really listen to his responses. Keep asking questions until he tells you something you didn't know, and respond with "Wow! I didn't know that!"
I guess I could give it a shot.
Not gonna happen today though. Day's already over.
No negative speech today. So that's good. It's a lot easier when he's at work, LOL.
They suggest two different exercises:
* spend an entire day listening to your husband, not speaking unless he asks you a question.
They suggest that if he asks what's going on, you tell him that you are making an effort to listen to him more. I think I'll give it a shot, but I'm still afraid he'll think I'm mad at him, or something.
* ask your husband a question about something he enjoys. Really listen to his responses. Keep asking questions until he tells you something you didn't know, and respond with "Wow! I didn't know that!"
I guess I could give it a shot.
Not gonna happen today though. Day's already over.
No negative speech today. So that's good. It's a lot easier when he's at work, LOL.
"Wherefore, my beloved brethren, let every man be swift to hear, slow to speak, slow to wrath:" -- James 1:19
Day 8 (yesterday)
Struggled yesterday. One thing I struggle with is when I feel like FireMan is attacking me, when he is saying hurtful things. I find it difficult to defend myself without sounding negative. Sometimes I have opted to trying to ignore it and not saying anything. Sometimes I defend myself. And this leads to internal conflict. I am proud of myself for standing up for myself & defending myself. But I don't want to get sucked into his negativity.
I also struggle with the intent of this exercise. When it says no "negative" speech, do they mean negative in my eyes, or negative in my husband's eyes. Because I'm pretty certain that some of the things I've said to defend myself, although I don't see them as negative, I'm pretty sure that FireMan would perceive them that way. So is the exercise for me to not say anything truly negative, or to not say anything that is perceived as negative? Follow?
Yesterday's assignment was to show your husband that you appreciate his faithfulness: both to you in his commitment to your marital vows, and his faithfulness to God.
Eh. Not done.
I did manage to finish the assignment from Day 6 though, praising him in public. At the cookout with my friends that I mentioned, he was telling someone how he was a volunteer recovery diver, and I bragged on him a bit. All true too. I really am proud of him, you know.
Also managed to complete the assignment from Day 5. Friday night we were at my parents' house, and I got to express my love for my husband to family.
Day 7 (praising his money managing ability) hasn't really presented itself yet. Day 8 (today) not done. This homework is piling up!
I also struggle with the intent of this exercise. When it says no "negative" speech, do they mean negative in my eyes, or negative in my husband's eyes. Because I'm pretty certain that some of the things I've said to defend myself, although I don't see them as negative, I'm pretty sure that FireMan would perceive them that way. So is the exercise for me to not say anything truly negative, or to not say anything that is perceived as negative? Follow?
Yesterday's assignment was to show your husband that you appreciate his faithfulness: both to you in his commitment to your marital vows, and his faithfulness to God.
Eh. Not done.
I did manage to finish the assignment from Day 6 though, praising him in public. At the cookout with my friends that I mentioned, he was telling someone how he was a volunteer recovery diver, and I bragged on him a bit. All true too. I really am proud of him, you know.
Also managed to complete the assignment from Day 5. Friday night we were at my parents' house, and I got to express my love for my husband to family.
Day 7 (praising his money managing ability) hasn't really presented itself yet. Day 8 (today) not done. This homework is piling up!
"Most men will proclaim every one his own goodness: but a faithful man who can find?" -- Proverbs 20:6
Friday, July 2, 2010
Day 7
Today's challenge is to discover ways to encourage & help FireMan in the way of money / finances and let him know how I appreciate his strengths in financial matters.
FireMan is very frugal with money, so this is easy to do, but again... if the opportunity presents. Maybe I'm overthinking it, but again I just think it would be weird to just blurt it out if we're not already talking about money in some area.
The not-speaking-negatively seems to be getting easier. I think sometimes it becomes a matter of habit, and getting back in tune with what is actually coming out of your mouth, you know.
Outstanding assignments:
Day 5: tell a relative (his or yours) how much you love, respect, and support your husband.
Day 6: praise his creative accomplishments in public, while he is listening.
One struggle I have been having is feelings of selfishness. When I think about my assignments, I sometimes find myself thinking: "where are my compliments? where's my encouragement? why do I still have to listen to negative words from my husband? why isn't anyone doing this for me?" I'm sure it's a natural reaction, but sometimes I wonder if it's Satan trying to distract me from my course. Must. Stay. The. Course.
FireMan is very frugal with money, so this is easy to do, but again... if the opportunity presents. Maybe I'm overthinking it, but again I just think it would be weird to just blurt it out if we're not already talking about money in some area.
The not-speaking-negatively seems to be getting easier. I think sometimes it becomes a matter of habit, and getting back in tune with what is actually coming out of your mouth, you know.
Outstanding assignments:
Day 5: tell a relative (his or yours) how much you love, respect, and support your husband.
Day 6: praise his creative accomplishments in public, while he is listening.
One struggle I have been having is feelings of selfishness. When I think about my assignments, I sometimes find myself thinking: "where are my compliments? where's my encouragement? why do I still have to listen to negative words from my husband? why isn't anyone doing this for me?" I'm sure it's a natural reaction, but sometimes I wonder if it's Satan trying to distract me from my course. Must. Stay. The. Course.
"Labour not to be rich: cease from thine own wisdom. Wilt thou set thine eyes upon that which is not? for riches certainly make themselves wings; they fly away as an eagle toward heaven." -- Proverbs 23:4-5
"That I may cause those that love me to inherit substance; and I will fill their treasures." -- Proverbs 8:21
Thursday, July 1, 2010
Day 6
Today's assigment, once again, is leaving me struggling for the opportunity to complete it.
I am to praise his creative accomplishments in public, while he is listening.
Well, he's at work until tomorrow night. I'm thinking this weekend will be good though. We have a cookout on Saturday, plus two different family outings on Monday. Saturday would be best. It's a cookout with some of my old friends, none of which he's ever met. I think that would be be the best day for that, right?
So while today's assigment leaves me struggling for opportunity, I did catch up on some of my other assignments.
Day 3: Let FireMan know that I appreciate his kindness & consideration towards me. Well, yesterday when I got home I found that FireMan had watered my flowers for me, without me asking. Opportunity = assignment done.
Day 4: Let your husband know how much you appreciate the work he does. We got our first sizeable check for FireMan's business yesterday. Perfect opportunity for me to appreciate how much I appreciate his work he does, and how proud I am of him. Opportunity = assigment done.
And, call me crazy, but I think this whole challenge thing might be working. Or FireMan's up to something, LOL. The past day or so there has been a noticeable change in his... demeanor(?).
Yay.
I am to praise his creative accomplishments in public, while he is listening.
Well, he's at work until tomorrow night. I'm thinking this weekend will be good though. We have a cookout on Saturday, plus two different family outings on Monday. Saturday would be best. It's a cookout with some of my old friends, none of which he's ever met. I think that would be be the best day for that, right?
So while today's assigment leaves me struggling for opportunity, I did catch up on some of my other assignments.
Day 3: Let FireMan know that I appreciate his kindness & consideration towards me. Well, yesterday when I got home I found that FireMan had watered my flowers for me, without me asking. Opportunity = assignment done.
Day 4: Let your husband know how much you appreciate the work he does. We got our first sizeable check for FireMan's business yesterday. Perfect opportunity for me to appreciate how much I appreciate his work he does, and how proud I am of him. Opportunity = assigment done.
And, call me crazy, but I think this whole challenge thing might be working. Or FireMan's up to something, LOL. The past day or so there has been a noticeable change in his... demeanor(?).
Yay.
"...whatsoever ye do, do all to the glory of God." -- I Corinthians 10:31b
Day 5 (yesterday)
As predicted, the opportunity did not present itself to tell a relative how I feel about my husband.
I did do pretty well on the no-negative-words thing though. So that's good.
I did do pretty well on the no-negative-words thing though. So that's good.
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