Wednesday, April 18, 2012

And... he compromises

FireMan has said that he will attend one counseling session.

Just one. He will go with an open mind, and see if he wants to continue. And I have to schedule around all of his activities.

But... he will go.


Monday, April 16, 2012

I will love him

I never really figured out if it's a forgiveness issue or not.

What I did realize, is that for our marriage to heal, for me to heal, I need to at least try to change my thinking.

And so last night, I committed to FireMan that I will love him.
I will try to view THE LIE as a mistake - a big one, for sure, but a mistake none the less.
I will try to see him how I used to see him, and this as just a mistake that he made, not as something that changed who he was.

I'm not sure how to accomplish that, but I will try.

After all, we all make mistakes. Some bigger than others. And so don't we owe each other a little forgiveness, grace, and mercy?

I will love him.

Saturday, April 14, 2012

Is it a Forgiveness Issue?

I struggle with what my issue is, exactly.

On one hand, I don't think it's a forgiveness issue. When I think about what FireMan did, there is no emotion surrounding the event, the lie - it's just something that happened, just a part of our history.

But at the same time, that single event changed how I view him as a person.

So, since I still do not see him the same way I used to, does this mean I haven't forgiven him completely? or is that just a result of his actions that we both have to come to terms with?

I don't know.

Thursday, April 12, 2012

I Wanna Make It Go Back

FireMan & I talked yesterday, a lot.

Mostly about our marriage, about our relationship.

One thing I've never understood is when FireMan would say our marriage was fine, he was happy, and that he didn't understand why I wasn't happy.

We talked about this a lot.

He didn't understand why I'm always surprised when he says he's happy with us.

I told him it's because his behavior, to me, is not that of a happily married man.

After a bit of discussion, he seemed to understand how his actions don't give that appearance.

He also says he thinks our marriage is fine because we don't actually have arguments that often. Only once or twice a month. Which he feels is normal, or even better-than-normal.

And he asked me why I wasn't happy. He persisted with this question.

And while the answer didn't take me long to find - I don't trust him, and I don't feel secure in our relationship - it did take a little bit of time, of quiet time, for a little more information to reveal itself to me. And then I shared with him.

The fact is, I haven't been truly happy in our marriage since that fateful day just over two years ago, when I discovered THE LIE. The first big lie that I uncovered. And it was a doozy.

And it hurt me. To the core.

And in my eyes, it changed who he was.

I probably have not stopped wondering & worrying, not really, since that moment. Since the moment my stomach sank and my heart broke.

I no longer see him the same way. When I look at him, I do not see the same man that I married.

Have you ever experienced that? Someone did something that actually changed who they were to you? I'm not sure that I have.

People have done things, sure. Disappointed me, surprised me, of course.

But done something that was so out-of-line with how I saw them, that it actually changed my view of them as a person? I think this is the first time.

And for the past two years I have been trying my darnedest to make it go back like it was before that moment.

Can it ever?

Will I ever trust him the way I trusted him before? Will I ever feel the type of security that I felt before that instance?

I don't know the answer.

I desperately want to. I want to make it go back to how it was.

When I was married to this devoted, hard-working husband & father. When I was so proud of him, ALL of him. When I would brag on him to other people. When I never thought he'd hurt me in this manner. When I thought I could trust him with anything. When I thought that even if we had rough spots, he would never truly break my heart.

I want it to go back.

And I wonder if that's why I've been spinning my wheels so much. Why all my efforts have been fruitless. Why, even with the improvements both of us have made, I'm still not happy.

Because "happy" to me, is how it was before.

So what if it can never be like it was before? How do I redefine "happy"?

Oh, don't misunderstand me... FireMan still has a lot to do. We talked about that too. How his continued lying to me doesn't help me to feel more secure, that each time he breaks my trust, it puts me right back where I was the first time, how if we want it to get better at all, he has to stop lying.

He seemed to understand. He promised to stop.

Sadly, as much as I'd like to believe him, there's a part of me that is just waiting for my heart to be broken again.

It seems that we both have a lot to work on.

I'm just not sure what I need to do.

Friday, April 6, 2012


I had a revelation of sorts this morning.

Not a huge, in-your-face, sudden, startling sort of revelation.

More of a God-has-been-working-on-this-for-a-while, He's-been-preparing-your-heart-for-this, and now it's time to reveal the message sort of revelation.

So... are you ready for it? Waiting on baited breath?

If I have the expectation that FireMan should improve as my husband, then I have a responsibility to continue to strive to be a better wife for him.

That's big, isn't it?

The truth is that I always have the responsibility to continue in my efforts to improve as a wife, whether or not I have any expectations of him.

And I have been lax in this area.

I did try, was trying, for more than a year. Busted my butt working on my wifely-ness.

Then I got hurt & resentful that I wasn't getting the same effort from him. Indeed sometimes it seemed like I wasn't getting any effort from him. And I stopped trying to improve as a wife.

And that's not right, or good.

There is always room for improvement, room for growth. There is no such thing as perfection in our human selves.

And so this will become my focus. Again.

Perhaps not with the same fervor as before, but still. There is plenty of room for me to be a better wife.

Wednesday, April 4, 2012

I scheduled us for marriage counseling

A couple days after my email.

I tried to call the next day, but they didn't answer.

It's something I've requested of FireMan before. He's always refused.

Something about the bad experience he had when he went to counseling with his ex wife, and how he doesn't think counseling works because everyone who goes gets divorced anyway.

Personally, I think this is because most couples wait until it's too late to ask for help. But that's just me.

A few months ago, I suggested it to him again. Told him that we needed something to help us, because we'd been struggling for too long in our relationship. And I was out of ideas. I've done everything I can think of, everything I've read about, every good piece of advice I've gotten. The only idea I have left is to go to counseling. I asked him to please think about it, and put the ball in his court.

Told him if he had another idea, that would be great too, it's just that counseling was all I had left.

Clearly, he still didn't want to go.

After this latest revelation, I just scheduled it.

He really doesn't want to go.

I told him I couldn't make him go, but I think it will help improve our marriage.

Then (for some reason) I asked him what he thought when I initially told him I'd made the appointment.

He said he thought I'd "gone crazy". Had a bad day or FireGirl did something or something happened at work and I "went crazy" on him. Something to that effect.

Basically, I scheduled it because I was "crazy". Because I was having a rough time. Because someone else did something to drive me over the edge.

Nowhere in his train of thought did it occur to him that I was doing this (as I've suggested at least a dozen times over the years) to help us improve our marriage. It never occurred to him that he might be what drove me "over the edge", made me "crazy".

I know he didn't intend it this way, but that comment was probably the most hurtful thing he's said to me in a while.

Because not only has he not come up with any other ideas, he's not even willing to try my last remaining idea to improve things.

Because he called me "crazy"... and meant it.

Because he still refuses to take any responsibility for the state our marriage is in, instead blaming my unhappiness on our daughter, or my work, or me alone.

Because if he really thought that was why I scheduled the appointment, then he has not really listened to me at all, during the at-least-a-dozen times over the past few years that I have suggested counseling, carefully laid out why I think it will help us, and why I'm willing to give it a shot even though he had a bad experience eight years ago.

He hasn't heard me at all.

With his work schedule, plus the busyness in our lives lately, our appointment isn't for a couple of weeks. I guess only time will tell if he goes or not.

As for me? Well, I've already got my half of the paperwork filled out.

Monday, April 2, 2012

I emailed my husband. Is that weird?

I knew I wanted needed to confront FireMan about the lies I'd uncovered, but I didn't know what to say or how to say it. I was afraid if I said anything, it would lead into a huge argument.

I didn't know what to do.

So I wrote an email. I revised it. I waited a day. I revised it again. Then I sent it.

I told him I was sad. I told him what I had discovered, that I knew he had been lying to me. I told him about a few other things that he has done that have hurt me and that I don't understand for and he won't explain to me. And I ended by explaining how I want so desperately to trust him, that I used to trust him, but that he has shattered that trust so many times I can't anymore.

And I told him I don't know how to live with someone I don't trust.

I'm pretty sure he read it. But he hasn't said one word about it. Not even to tell me he got it.

Five days later.

I don't know what to think about that.

Seems like I say that a lot, doesn't it?