Thursday, April 12, 2012

I Wanna Make It Go Back

FireMan & I talked yesterday, a lot.

Mostly about our marriage, about our relationship.

One thing I've never understood is when FireMan would say our marriage was fine, he was happy, and that he didn't understand why I wasn't happy.

We talked about this a lot.

He didn't understand why I'm always surprised when he says he's happy with us.

I told him it's because his behavior, to me, is not that of a happily married man.

After a bit of discussion, he seemed to understand how his actions don't give that appearance.

He also says he thinks our marriage is fine because we don't actually have arguments that often. Only once or twice a month. Which he feels is normal, or even better-than-normal.

And he asked me why I wasn't happy. He persisted with this question.

And while the answer didn't take me long to find - I don't trust him, and I don't feel secure in our relationship - it did take a little bit of time, of quiet time, for a little more information to reveal itself to me. And then I shared with him.

The fact is, I haven't been truly happy in our marriage since that fateful day just over two years ago, when I discovered THE LIE. The first big lie that I uncovered. And it was a doozy.

And it hurt me. To the core.

And in my eyes, it changed who he was.

I probably have not stopped wondering & worrying, not really, since that moment. Since the moment my stomach sank and my heart broke.

I no longer see him the same way. When I look at him, I do not see the same man that I married.

Have you ever experienced that? Someone did something that actually changed who they were to you? I'm not sure that I have.

People have done things, sure. Disappointed me, surprised me, of course.

But done something that was so out-of-line with how I saw them, that it actually changed my view of them as a person? I think this is the first time.

And for the past two years I have been trying my darnedest to make it go back like it was before that moment.

Can it ever?

Will I ever trust him the way I trusted him before? Will I ever feel the type of security that I felt before that instance?

I don't know the answer.

I desperately want to. I want to make it go back to how it was.

When I was married to this devoted, hard-working husband & father. When I was so proud of him, ALL of him. When I would brag on him to other people. When I never thought he'd hurt me in this manner. When I thought I could trust him with anything. When I thought that even if we had rough spots, he would never truly break my heart.

I want it to go back.

And I wonder if that's why I've been spinning my wheels so much. Why all my efforts have been fruitless. Why, even with the improvements both of us have made, I'm still not happy.

Because "happy" to me, is how it was before.

So what if it can never be like it was before? How do I redefine "happy"?

Oh, don't misunderstand me... FireMan still has a lot to do. We talked about that too. How his continued lying to me doesn't help me to feel more secure, that each time he breaks my trust, it puts me right back where I was the first time, how if we want it to get better at all, he has to stop lying.

He seemed to understand. He promised to stop.

Sadly, as much as I'd like to believe him, there's a part of me that is just waiting for my heart to be broken again.

It seems that we both have a lot to work on.

I'm just not sure what I need to do.

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