Wednesday, April 4, 2012

I scheduled us for marriage counseling

A couple days after my email.

I tried to call the next day, but they didn't answer.

It's something I've requested of FireMan before. He's always refused.

Something about the bad experience he had when he went to counseling with his ex wife, and how he doesn't think counseling works because everyone who goes gets divorced anyway.

Personally, I think this is because most couples wait until it's too late to ask for help. But that's just me.

A few months ago, I suggested it to him again. Told him that we needed something to help us, because we'd been struggling for too long in our relationship. And I was out of ideas. I've done everything I can think of, everything I've read about, every good piece of advice I've gotten. The only idea I have left is to go to counseling. I asked him to please think about it, and put the ball in his court.

Told him if he had another idea, that would be great too, it's just that counseling was all I had left.

Clearly, he still didn't want to go.

After this latest revelation, I just scheduled it.

He really doesn't want to go.

I told him I couldn't make him go, but I think it will help improve our marriage.

Then (for some reason) I asked him what he thought when I initially told him I'd made the appointment.

He said he thought I'd "gone crazy". Had a bad day or FireGirl did something or something happened at work and I "went crazy" on him. Something to that effect.

Basically, I scheduled it because I was "crazy". Because I was having a rough time. Because someone else did something to drive me over the edge.

Nowhere in his train of thought did it occur to him that I was doing this (as I've suggested at least a dozen times over the years) to help us improve our marriage. It never occurred to him that he might be what drove me "over the edge", made me "crazy".

I know he didn't intend it this way, but that comment was probably the most hurtful thing he's said to me in a while.

Because not only has he not come up with any other ideas, he's not even willing to try my last remaining idea to improve things.

Because he called me "crazy"... and meant it.

Because he still refuses to take any responsibility for the state our marriage is in, instead blaming my unhappiness on our daughter, or my work, or me alone.

Because if he really thought that was why I scheduled the appointment, then he has not really listened to me at all, during the at-least-a-dozen times over the past few years that I have suggested counseling, carefully laid out why I think it will help us, and why I'm willing to give it a shot even though he had a bad experience eight years ago.

He hasn't heard me at all.

With his work schedule, plus the busyness in our lives lately, our appointment isn't for a couple of weeks. I guess only time will tell if he goes or not.

As for me? Well, I've already got my half of the paperwork filled out.


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  2. Marriage counseling does offer a place where you can be safe to express your unhappiness with no one to judge you. How are things going now, by the way? I read some of your more recent posts, and it looks like you guys are getting better. Kudos to you and all your efforts. You are a testament to the line “for better or for worse”.

    - Tyler Goodwin