Thursday, June 28, 2012

Why does forgiveness have to be so hard?

Sometimes it just doesn't seem fair.

I know I'm not perfect. I know I have my faults. I know there are areas in which I have messed up in our marriage.

But I'm not the one who created a foundation of mistrust in our marriage. I'm not the one who lied, and lied, and lied again. Who kept secrets. Big ones. I'm not the one who crossed the line.

So why do I keep having to pay for it?

I found something yesterday morning. Totally by accident. Stumbled upon it while unpacking a box from our old house (no we haven't unpacked them all yet, don't judge).

And that something tore open wounds of the past. My hearts sank into the pit of my stomach. The lies of the past.

It raised questions I've already asked, but which answers I've always questioned. Reminded me that the truth of what I found myself didn't always match what little confession I did get from him.

Reminded me of the lies. Of the deceit. Of the trust crumbled and smashed. Dashed to pieces.

And I really wanted to take this thing and hold onto it until FireMan came home from shift, and ask him about it. Dig a little deeper. Maybe get a little more truth about what really happened two years ago.

Or maybe I'd just get more lies.

I'm not angry anymore. Not at all. Honestly. Truly. No anger.

But I still feel like there are lies I haven't uncovered. There are still pieces missing from the puzzle.

And I think deep down I'm afraid if I don't figure out every last piece, then they can stay out there somewhere, waiting to hurt me in the future.

I think deep down my desire to find out every detail of every lie, of every secret, is my attempt to protect myself from future hurt.

But as I sat there staring at this thing, I realized something.

It's in the past.

I know it is. I found it in a box from a house we haven't lived in for the past 18 months. It is not evidence of any new offense, just additional evidence of a past offense. One I already knew about.

One I've already forgiven him for.

So now, I have to decide if I really forgave him.

Even if there are more lies I don't know about yet. Even if there is more deceit, dishonesty, intentional misleading that I never know about.

It's all in the past.

So did I forgive him, or not? Really forgive him?

And so... I threw it away.

I never said a word to FireMan.

I am choosing to live in the present.

We can't go back in time. I'm not going to pretend like things will ever be exactly they way they were before. They won't.

But I can work to move forward. I can work on myself. And my ability to forgive.

And I can realize what it really means to truly forgive someone.

I can choose to forgive him for anything and everything he has done to hurt me in the past, or I can hold it against him and destroy our marriage in the process.

Forgiving isn't a one time deal.