I know I'm not perfect. I know I have my faults. I know there are areas in which I have messed up in our marriage.
But I'm not the one who created a foundation of mistrust in our marriage. I'm not the one who lied, and lied, and lied again. Who kept secrets. Big ones. I'm not the one who crossed the line.
So why do I keep having to pay for it?
I found something yesterday morning. Totally by accident. Stumbled upon it while unpacking a box from our old house (no we haven't unpacked them all yet, don't judge).
And that something tore open wounds of the past. My hearts sank into the pit of my stomach. The lies of the past.
It raised questions I've already asked, but which answers I've always questioned. Reminded me that the truth of what I found myself didn't always match what little confession I did get from him.
Reminded me of the lies. Of the deceit. Of the trust crumbled and smashed. Dashed to pieces.
And I really wanted to take this thing and hold onto it until FireMan came home from shift, and ask him about it. Dig a little deeper. Maybe get a little more truth about what really happened two years ago.
Or maybe I'd just get more lies.
I'm not angry anymore. Not at all. Honestly. Truly. No anger.
But I still feel like there are lies I haven't uncovered. There are still pieces missing from the puzzle.
And I think deep down I'm afraid if I don't figure out every last piece, then they can stay out there somewhere, waiting to hurt me in the future.
I think deep down my desire to find out every detail of every lie, of every secret, is my attempt to protect myself from future hurt.
But as I sat there staring at this thing, I realized something.
It's in the past.
I know it is. I found it in a box from a house we haven't lived in for the past 18 months. It is not evidence of any new offense, just additional evidence of a past offense. One I already knew about.
One I've already forgiven him for.
So now, I have to decide if I really forgave him.
Even if there are more lies I don't know about yet. Even if there is more deceit, dishonesty, intentional misleading that I never know about.
It's all in the past.
So did I forgive him, or not? Really forgive him?
And so... I threw it away.
I never said a word to FireMan.
I am choosing to live in the present.
We can't go back in time. I'm not going to pretend like things will ever be exactly they way they were before. They won't.
But I can work to move forward. I can work on myself. And my ability to forgive.
And I can realize what it really means to truly forgive someone.
I can choose to forgive him for anything and everything he has done to hurt me in the past, or I can hold it against him and destroy our marriage in the process.
Forgiving isn't a one time deal.
I don't know what "The Lie" is. I've anonymously read your blog for quite some time, and I can only make assumptions. But I have to say, it sounds to me like you are taking on the entire weight of this marriage. You are trying to win a three-legged race, except the person you're tied to is dead weight and refusing to move.
ReplyDeleteWhatever this lie is, he is placing the responsibility on you to fix it. He's doing that through his passive aggressive attitude towards to you. He's doing that through is lack of empathy towards your side of the situation. He's doing that with his lack of any acceptance of his wrong doing. He's doing that through placing the blame on you when he is unhappy with the consequences of actions. He is doing that by attempting to control your reaction to his wrong doing by only releasing information that he deems necessary.
That is emotional abuse.
It is NOT up to you alone to save this marriage. It is NOT your fault that he, pardon my french, fucked up. It is NOT your job to carry the burden of his mistake.
STOP trying to carry the burden of his mistake.
I don't really know you, but I do know that you don't deserve this.
Forgiveness is hard in this situation because the person needing it, isn't really asking for it. What he is asking for is for you to forget it. To ignore it. To shut up about it. He's not sorry in a sense that he regrets his decision and regrets what it's done to you and realizes what a mistake it was. He's sorry that he got caught. He's sorry that you won't shut up about it. He's sorry that there have been any consequences to what he doesn't even really deem a mistake.
I am so, so, so sorry you're living like this. I am sad for you. I am sad for your daughter.
Forgiveness doesn't always end in a couple living happily ever after. Sometimes forgiving can only happen when you realize enough is enough. Living in this space is not worth cost of the rent. Sometimes forgiving is letting go and moving on before anymore hurt can occur.
Good luck.