Ends up my hubs has been ticked off at me for a week. I had no idea.
In the week since our anniversary spat, he's acted like everything was fine... until bedtime. Then he ignored me. And I don't just mean sexually.
Would interrupt me talking and talk right over me as if I weren't even there.
Would check messages on his phone as we're starting to cuddle up in bed.
Would generally just see right thru me.
We haven't had sex in almost a week. Which for us is a long time. And for him is unheard of. But he didn't seem interested at all.
I was hurt. Confused. What was going on? Why did he act fine all day, then reject me at night?
Ends up, he was angry with me.
I had no idea.
Seriously. None. He never said a word about being angry. He never told me he was upset with me. And other than ignoring me (but only at nighttime) he was actually treating me really well.
And the whole time he was fostering this resentment against me because I wasn't making the offense right.
Maybe if he had said something when it happened, I could have apologized and attempted to make things right, saving us both a lot of upsettedness (it's totally a word - see - I just typed it).
In the meantime, I was hurt.
Yes, by what he said about our anniversary. But then every night when he would ignore me, I would hurt again.
And then he talked about an upcoming trip he needs to go on (work, not fun). And I said repeatedly that I'd like to go with him, just to be with him. And each time I brought it up, he'd come up with a list of scenarios that involved him going alone. It seemed that he'd rather drive 10 hours alone, than with me. I was hurt. And confused.
And I never said anything. For a week.
And so my hurt & confusion grew.
Maybe if I had said something sooner we could have cleared the air much sooner.
Instead it festered in both of our hearts - anger and hurt - for a week. And then it came out in an explosion. There was a lot of talking. Some yelling. Accusations back & forth. Lots of fun.
The end result? He declared that he was going to sleep. I still wanted to hash it out until we resolved the issue. But you can't discuss things with someone snoring.
Well, I do. But it doesn't actually end up resolving anything.
And so, here we are. The next day.
I have no idea how he feels about it. He's acting like everything is normal. Then again, he was acting like everything was fine for the past week while he harbored this resentment towards me.
So does he feel better since everything is out in the air? Is he still angry?
I have no idea.
I'm still hurt. He reiterated during our... talk... that he doesn't think our anniversary is important. Ouch. I'm hurt that he once again takes no responsibility for what happened. None.
It's not his fault for holding his feelings in - it's my fault for doing it in the first place
It's not his fault for letting this anger & resentment build up - it's my fault for not taking actions to right a wrong I didn't know I'd done
It's not his fault I got hurt - it's my fault because I'm too sensitive
It's not his fault I got hurt - it's my fault for even thinking a silly anniversary would be special
It's not his fault we didn't communicate - it's my fault for not anticipating what he needed me to do/say
It's not his fault I don't feel connected to him - it's my fault because I need conversation to feel connected, and that's silly
I am fully willing to take responsibility for my part in what happened. I have. A said so last night, and I apologized.
I did mess up with the original offense. Although it's also one of those situations where you both believe you're right, so you just have to agree to disagree, the fact is I didn't put his feelings before my own, and in that way, I messed up.
I messed up by not expressing to him how he was repeatedly hurting my feelings, or by telling him I felt rejected.
I've already owned up to those, and apologized.
You'd think it'd be awesome to be married to a perfect, faultless, blameless individual. But it's not. It rather sucks. Royally.