Friday, September 30, 2011

I Feel So Stupid

So, about two days after my last post - my post about Satan's attacking our marriage, and I just need to hold fast because everything's checking out? - yeah, about two days after that God showed me where my husband was hiding things from me. Again.

How I found it was scarily similar to how I found the major trustbreaking actions that he was doing last year. Scary to me, anyway.

It's so funny. When I try to catch him doing something, I find nothing. And then there I am, minding my own business, sitting there in false security, when God puts it right in front of my face.

Happened last year. Happened the other day.

Now, don't get me wrong. This time is nothing like last time. Nowhere close.

It could easily actually be a simple lapse in judgement.

Except... for the steps he took to hide it from me.

For (by his admission) for two years.

Meaning, that last year, when we were going thru the whole big thing, and I point blank asked him on several occasions if there were anything else he were hiding from me... he lied. To my face.

And I know in his mind, it's no big deal... but the truth is that if it weren't a big deal, he wouldn't have kept it a secret. For two years.

He doesn't seem to understand that I am trying really hard to trust him again, to trust him as fully as a person can after being betrayed once.

And even little, seemingly insignificant, indiscretions are, in reality, chipping away at a foundation that hasn't even been restored yet.

This one took a sledgehammer to that foundation. Just one swing of the hammer, but it did enough damage.

So here we are again.

We talked it out. He lied to my face again. I called him on it. He came clean (as far as I can tell).

But it's shaken all the work that we'd done the past year. Like an earthquake rattles buildings, I feel us swaying, shaking, scared we're going to crumble.

I find myself wondering what else he's hidden from me, what else he's lied about, what he will hide from me in the future, what else he will lie about in the future.

I find myself wondering if I will ever be able to trust my own husband.

For someone who went into this marriage with pre-existing trust issues, continually hiding things from me & lying to me repeatedly do nothing to help the situation. Nothing.

Heck, I think it's obvious to most people that hiding things & lying never helps the situation. Especially in a marriage.

I find myself feeling as though he is two people.

He is a wonderful, supportive husband, a loving, fun daddy, a great son (and son-in-law), a helpful, loyal friend. I adore that man.

He is also the man who hides grievous information from his wife, who sneaks around behind her back, who lies to her face. He is the man who, when confronted, turns everything around to blame her, insults her, calls her names.
That man makes me ill. Literally, physically ill.

I think, more than anything, is his lack of emotion about the whole thing. There is no remorse, there is no evidence that he understands why this is wrong, there is no apologizing, no effort to console me, no effort to reassure me that it won't happen again.

Which I suppose is better than doing all of those things and it being just more lies, but... it concerns me in that as long as he sees nothing wrong, as long as my issue with his deceit he sees as solely my issue, then he will continue to do it. Again. And again. And again.

And I worry that one day, one of us will just have had enough. Either I will reach a point where I cannot live with the man-who-makes-me-ill anymore, not one more day; or he will tire of my trying to get him to stop... and that will be that.

I am scared that this echoed deception... dooms our marriage.

We need your prayers.

Saturday, September 24, 2011

I think Satan is attacking our marriage

Things have been going so well. I mean really well. Like, things haven't been this good in over three years well.

Until recently. I mean, our relationship is still way better than where we were last year. Or heck, earlier this year even.

But there have been lots of little ickies lately, and I just feel like Satan is attacking our marriage.

Probably because we've been doing so well. And because in a few weeks we're taking a step to strengthen our marriage even further, by starting off our anniversary vacation with a 3-day marriage conference.

So I just feel like all these little things that are arising all of a sudden are just Satan's way of trying to drive a wedge between us, you know?

Like, all of a sudden there are these little things that have me questioning FireMan's trust again.

Just little things, but dozens of them.

And yes, all of the ones I've actually checked out have, well.. checked out. Just fine. No lies, no misleading, nothing.

Well, unless he's just really good at lying, which I know from experience he is.

But see, there it is again. That doubt creeping in. These little inconsistencies seem to be popping up out of nowhere, and because we're still in a building-trust phase, my mind goes crazy when they happen.

And then we started arguing about money.

Which is crazy, because we actually have very similar philosophies about how to handle money. So we never argue about it. But the past two weeks? Arguing.

It's just stupid.

But these little things keep happening.

And it was in talking to my sister about her marriage, and I began to counsel her that Satan was attacking her marriage, and that she needed to just pray and hold fast... it was then that I realized that I needed the same advice, that Satan was attacking my marriage as well.

Since that realization I've tried very hard to resist the doubts that creep in, to ignore them, to remind myself that Satan is just setting these things up to feed on my weakness and drive that wedge.

I've tried very hard not to argue with my husband, even when I feel that he is being argumentative. When it seems that anything I say turns into arguing? I stop talking. I stop trying to get my point across. I stop trying to get him to calm down. Not to give him the cold shoulder, but to let the silence diffuse the situation.

"Let no corrupt communication proceed out of your mouth, but that which is good to the use of edifying, that it may minister grace unto the hearers... Let all bitterness, and wrath, and anger, and clamour, and evil speaking be put away from you, with all malice: And be ye kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as God for Christ's sake has forgive you."
-- Ephesians 4:29,31-32

And I need to get on my knees about this more. I really do.

"Pray without ceasing."-- I Thessalonians 5:17

I have gotten lax in my prayer life.

And I ask you, my readers, to pray for us as well. We have come so very far from where we were just a few months ago, and now we need some strengthening to keep us here.

Thursday, September 22, 2011

Mother-in-Law Update

Well, things have improved. Greatly.

Why? Because FireMan stood up to her.

He had been helping them get their new house ready to move into, putting off things he had promised me he'd do, not seeing me or FireGirl for about two weeks, and taking unpaid time off work.

Then it was actual move day. They weren't on any timeline to move, and didn't decide the date (a Friday) of the actual move until the the day before.

FireMan told his mom he wouldn't be coming. He explained that he hadn't seen his daughter in nearly two weeks, and it was the last night of the local fair, and we were taking her, but he would be willing to help out the next day (Saturday) if she wanted.

That was not good enough.

She called him 14 times while we were at the fair. Left six voice mails.

Mama not happy, apparently.

Also, maybe a little crazy.

He only listened to one voicemail. Despite having her husband, other son, and several friends to help that night, she totally guilted him in her message, insisting that she needed him.

He called her while we were on the way home, and asked if she still wanted him to come the next day. She said she'd call him back.

His dad called back a few minutes later, and said they'd love his help.

Things have been different better ever since.

On Saturday he got up earlier & went to help, and I just planned on having a day with FireGirl, puttering around the house.

His mom asked us to come over. She gave me the grand tour of the new house, asked for my advice on decorating, and was very pleasant. Not insulting, condescending, didn't guilt anyone about anything.

And then... she asked if she could watch FireGirl the next week. Maybe FireMan & I could have a date night?

Wowsa. I don't remember the last time she offered to watch FireGirl.

It's like (and this is just my interpretation) him standing up to her and not only putting his family above her, but voicing it to her as well, made it click with her that he is a grown man, with a family of his own.

I think she never really grasped that. She couldn't see him as anything but her little boy, and so would get very upset if he didn't make her queen of his world. She didn't see him as a man, with a wife, and a child, and a family & responsibilities of his own.

I'm still not sure she totally gets it. But I'm sure it's a process. And probably not an easy one.

Although I will say I think that considering he's lived on his own for 11 years, and been married for a total of 7 of those (1st wife + me combined), and been a dad for 3 years... I guess you'd think it'd happen sooner?

*note* I want to make it clear that I'm not against my husband doing things for his parents, and I actually kinda like that he's a momma's boy. The problem came in him repeatedly putting his mother before his wife & child, and her insistence on coming before us.