Friday, September 30, 2011

I Feel So Stupid

So, about two days after my last post - my post about Satan's attacking our marriage, and I just need to hold fast because everything's checking out? - yeah, about two days after that God showed me where my husband was hiding things from me. Again.

How I found it was scarily similar to how I found the major trustbreaking actions that he was doing last year. Scary to me, anyway.

It's so funny. When I try to catch him doing something, I find nothing. And then there I am, minding my own business, sitting there in false security, when God puts it right in front of my face.

Happened last year. Happened the other day.

Now, don't get me wrong. This time is nothing like last time. Nowhere close.

It could easily actually be a simple lapse in judgement.

Except... for the steps he took to hide it from me.

For (by his admission) for two years.

Meaning, that last year, when we were going thru the whole big thing, and I point blank asked him on several occasions if there were anything else he were hiding from me... he lied. To my face.

And I know in his mind, it's no big deal... but the truth is that if it weren't a big deal, he wouldn't have kept it a secret. For two years.

He doesn't seem to understand that I am trying really hard to trust him again, to trust him as fully as a person can after being betrayed once.

And even little, seemingly insignificant, indiscretions are, in reality, chipping away at a foundation that hasn't even been restored yet.

This one took a sledgehammer to that foundation. Just one swing of the hammer, but it did enough damage.

So here we are again.

We talked it out. He lied to my face again. I called him on it. He came clean (as far as I can tell).

But it's shaken all the work that we'd done the past year. Like an earthquake rattles buildings, I feel us swaying, shaking, scared we're going to crumble.

I find myself wondering what else he's hidden from me, what else he's lied about, what he will hide from me in the future, what else he will lie about in the future.

I find myself wondering if I will ever be able to trust my own husband.

For someone who went into this marriage with pre-existing trust issues, continually hiding things from me & lying to me repeatedly do nothing to help the situation. Nothing.

Heck, I think it's obvious to most people that hiding things & lying never helps the situation. Especially in a marriage.

I find myself feeling as though he is two people.

He is a wonderful, supportive husband, a loving, fun daddy, a great son (and son-in-law), a helpful, loyal friend. I adore that man.

He is also the man who hides grievous information from his wife, who sneaks around behind her back, who lies to her face. He is the man who, when confronted, turns everything around to blame her, insults her, calls her names.
That man makes me ill. Literally, physically ill.

I think, more than anything, is his lack of emotion about the whole thing. There is no remorse, there is no evidence that he understands why this is wrong, there is no apologizing, no effort to console me, no effort to reassure me that it won't happen again.

Which I suppose is better than doing all of those things and it being just more lies, but... it concerns me in that as long as he sees nothing wrong, as long as my issue with his deceit he sees as solely my issue, then he will continue to do it. Again. And again. And again.

And I worry that one day, one of us will just have had enough. Either I will reach a point where I cannot live with the man-who-makes-me-ill anymore, not one more day; or he will tire of my trying to get him to stop... and that will be that.

I am scared that this echoed deception... dooms our marriage.

We need your prayers.

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