I Fail Him Daily

Today Jason announced that tomorrow he isn't on shift, and doesn't have any jobs for his side business scheduled, so he's going to stay home and probably spend some time cleaning the house.

Our disaster of a house.

I have admitted more than once that keeping the house is something that I struggle to accomplish. At least to my satisfaction, or even my husband's. It was already a struggle. But the fatigue that has hit me the past few weeks has pushed it over the edge. Our house is not in a good condition. Seriously.

I've been thinking of taking a vacation day myself, just to clean. But I have several days coming up already, and feel like I don't want to over-do it on the vacation requests, or use them all up all at once. I'm taking off this Friday for a weekend trip, another day in two weeks to visit with a friend from out of town, and in two more weeks another two days for a family vacation. But I digress...

He has never complained about the house being a mess. This time, I mean. Since my short-lived pregnancy and then miscarriage. He knows I'm fighting the fatigue. He may not always be the most romantic husband, say the sweetest things, but this time he has done a good job of not saying the things that would sting.

This has not escaped me.

But just him mentioning that he would "work on the house" on his day off stung. Not because it was a passive aggressive comment on my lack of housekeeping skills (although in a different tone of voice it definitely could have been). Not because he was nasty about it, or threw in any other hateful words. No, not because of anything he did.

It stung because it was a reminder to me of one way in which I am failing my husband.

And then it really sunk in. I am failing my husband. Daily.

Furthermore, he is failing me. Daily.

Why? Why so harsh? Because neither of us is perfect. We fail each other daily, yet we come back to one another each day, each night, again and again because of our love for one another, but even more than that, because of the covenant we made between one another and God.

Each of us have needs that go unmet. Sometimes for a day, sometimes continually. We do not, we cannot, perfectly meet all of each other's needs. Yet as a spouse, it is our duty to try. We are be one, to complete each other, meeting each other in our places of imperfection, and filling in the gaps as we are able.

As I thought about this idea - the meeting of needs, the failing, and so on and so forth - it dawned on me how much our marriages really are a reflection of our relationship with God.

We fail Him daily too. Not because we aren't good, but none of us are perfect. We fail Him with every tiny sin, every white lie, every missed opportunity to share His love. We fail him a hundred times in a hundred ways, every single day.

Yet He waits for us, reaches out for us. We come back to Him each day, each night, again and again, because of His love for us and His commitment to us.

So we fail. But because of the grace of God we are renewed each and every moment of each and every day. Every moment is another chance at success.

So here's to trying again another day.

source

I've probably been a bit naggy lately

Lately I've been struggling with being supportive of my husband. This is definitely an area I need to work on.

See, Jason has started a new business, which is great. It really is awesome to see his enthusiasm for this new endeavour, and I believe it is something that he can be very successful at.

But, as with just about any business startup, the beginning kinda stinks.

He's been putting a lot of time, and energy, and yes, money into something that so far has little to no financial return.

And in my head, I get that. I understand that it's just starting out and it will take time to build up a good customer base, it will take time to get his name out there. Some things just take time.

But the time away from his normal 2nd job (his 1st job is a firefighter) to start things up means a drastic drop in our household income while we're waiting for this business to take off.

And that is causing me stress.

Not being able to pay all of our bills. Having to drastically cut back on our food budget. Standing in the grocery trying to decide if we should buy milk or toothpaste, because we can't afford both right now. These are the things that stress me out. Greatly.

And so, while I really do support Jason on this endeavour, and I do believe he can succeed, and I do whatever I can to help him out... I also know that my tone of voice has not been the most... loving... lately. In fact, it's probably been a bit naggy.

But I'm trying. If I catch myself in that negative tone of voice, I try to stop, and even walk away if I have to. He knows our budget and our bills. He knows the situation. He doesn't need me to mouth off about it.

And so, I'm working on it.

But man, it'd be nice if some $$ would start rolling in while we wait, wouldn't it?

As always, thanks for checking in!

2012 should have been awful.

My father-in-law passed away. A dear friend passed away. There were a lot of changes at my job that caused tons of extra stress. Three loved ones were diagnosed with cancer. My nephew almost died. Three of our pets suffered from illness. The list goes on & on.

But the truth is, that despite all those awful, hard things, 2012 was wonderful. And that was in no small part due to my husband.

I love you, Jason! Thanks for a great year!

No. You Shouldn't. You're Married.

Marriage has become such a convenience in our society. No wonder the divorce rate is so high. We marry at the height of emotion, leave at the first sign of trouble. Rinse repeat.

We also look the other way when cheating occurs. I've heard it too many times.

"It's none of my business"
"She can do what he wants, she's not my wife"
"Why do you care? He's not your husband."
I care, because he's married. I may not be his wife, but someone is. He is breaking the covenant he made with her. If someone is willing to break what may possibly be the most serious, life-changing promise they will ever make to someone else, why would I ever trust them with... anything?

Regardless of what our society will tell you, if you cheat, or if you are "the other"... it speaks to your character.

I am so sick not only of men & women speaking of their illicit relationships openly, I'm tired of the responses from others being so tolerant of this behavior.

I'm tired of the young married gals on message boards asking questions like:

"My husband has been such a jerk the past few months. There's this other guy that's giving me lots of attention. Do you think I should see what he has to offer?"
Um, no.

Yet, surprisingly (to me anyway), are the responses.

"Why not? As long as you don't DO anything."
"Maybe you should tell your husband about the other guy. Make him jealous. Maybe then he'll start paying attention to you."
"I'm sorry you're so unhappy. If you can find happiness elsewhere, you should go for it"
And on, and on, and on.

By the time I saw the post, it had roughly 20 responses. Most supportive of her idea to check out the other guy. A few indifferent. Not one person who told her to stick it out, try to talk to her husband, seek counseling, etc. Not one. I could have been more eloquent, but my response was simply:

"No, you shouldn't. You're married."
It really is as simple as that.

I'm tired of my friend telling me how she is involved in a "platonic" relationship with a guy friend who happens to be married... except she gets butterflies every time she sees him, he calls & texts her repeatedly, sends her pictures of him (but only when he's traveling on business), and they both have admitted to each other that they have feelings for each other.

I'm tired of her (and others) thinking this is fine because they're not "doing anything".

Yes, they are. They are having an affair. An affair does not require sex.

You are sneaking around behind his wife's back, scheduling your participation in volunteer activities to correspond with each other's schedules, deleting text messaages & emails  & call logs to get rid of the evidence. He has said that if he weren't afraid of losing custody of his son, he would divorce her for you (the oldest line in the book, by the way). You have admitted feelings for one another, and are progressing to deepen the bond between you.

You are having an affair. This has been going on for months. You are one slip, one misjudgement away from it becoming physical.

You are the other woman. He is cheating on his wife.

It does not matter that his wife is a "b****".

He is still married to her. If he's so unhappy, he should divorce her. He's a good dad, he will not lose custody. That's a BS line he's feeding you so he can have his cake and eat it too. If he had any character at all, he would either end it with you, or divorce her.

I am so tired of people looking the other way. Meeting their married friends boyfriends or girlfriends and pretending like everything's okay, like they belong. They do not belong. They are the outsiders.

And when you sit there and treat them as if they are the spouse, and you continue to treat your friend as if they are a fine upstanding person despite knowing their actions, you are as complicit as they are. You are, by your actions, telling them it is okay.

When your friend excuses himself from your event to go screw his girlfriend, and you joke with him about it when he gets back, you are sending him a message that what he's doing is okay.

It's not.

When you go with your married friend to his girlfriend's house, and give her the same salutation you would give his wife, and make no mention of what he is doing, you are sending a message that what they are doing is okay.

It's not.

When you wait until your "friend's" wife leaves to begin flirting with him, and engaging his son, you are telling him that you would be okay with him cheating with you.

It's not okay.

If you're telling your friend that it's okay if she screws a married man because his wife is so evil anyway, you are sending a message that cheating is okay.

It's not.

If we want our marriages to succeed, we have to start treating all marriages seriously. We can no longer tolerate our society treating marriage as a joke. We cannot look the other way while our friends risk losing their wives, custody of their children, and half of their material possessions for a joyride. The fact that so many are willing to do so are troubling.

But more troubling to me is how many are willing to talk about it openly, let it be known, without fear of judgement. Because nobody tells them it's wrong. It's "understandable".

No. No, it's not.

It's stupid.

We cannot treat mistresses and gigolos as if they belong in the family. They don't. They are tearing a family apart, in the name of pleasure.

It's ridiculous.

We have to start taking these things more seriously. We have to begin treating all marriages, not just our own, as the sacred covenant that they are.

This can no longer be the norm. It can't.

What I want? or what he wants?

So, after a lengthy, and disgruntled, conversation between Jason and myself the other night, the following thought / piece of advice came to mind:

Stop doing things for your spouse that you want done for you, and start doing things for your spouse that they want done.

It seems so simple, but I think we can't be the only ones who make this mistake. And I am as guilty of it as he is. We tend to do things for each other based on what we want, instead of thinking of what the other person wants.

I've even read magazine articles & even marital help books suggesting that if you want your partner to do something for you, you do it for them, and they'll reciprocate. One example that I recall is a book suggesting to women that if they want their husbands to be more romantic, the women should do romantic things for the men, then the husbands will in turn do the same for their wives.
I mean, maybe, right? But if I bring Jason home a dozen roses, I don't think he's likely to think "that was nice, maybe I'll bring Jodi some". He's more likely to think "what in the world made her think I want flowers?".

And besides, when you do what you want but for them, even if it's for them, isn't it still in a way, selfish? Because you're giving them what you want, not what they want. You're not taking the time or effort to think about what they want. You're in a sense taking the easy way out.

Is this making any sense at all?

I hope so. Because for me it was a revelation, and I think it's a really good one.

Stop doing things for your spouse that you actually want done for you, and start doing the things that they want done for them.

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This was originally posted on my other blog in 2009. Decided to re-post it over here.