Tuesday, March 27, 2012

If the Truth Hurts, then Lies Kill

Last night I uncovered multiple lies that FireMan has been telling me. Either directly to my face, dodging around fully truthful statements, or thru intentional omission of facts.

Yes, I found out via snooping.

I've had the feeling for a while that he was holding something back.

Recent developments only increased that feeling.

I swear sometimes it's like I just know. Women's intuition perhaps?

Oh, the lies.

Had lied to my face about something just a couple of hours earlier. And the thing is... if he had been honest, it wouldn't have been a big deal. That's what I don't get about some of these. I don't see the reason for the lie.

Others are obvious. Things that he knows I do consider a big deal. Lies he's repeating from the past.

Lies, lies, lies.

This time, I don't feel stupid though.

Things have been going fairly well. In many ways we both have made great strides to becoming better partners for one another.

But... the lies, the deceit, the intentional misleading... I don't know how to be in a relationship with someone who lies to me on a regular basis, someone who shows no remorse, someone who has no emotion when faced with their lies.

I don't even know how to live with that person.

It reminds me of college. For several years I shared a house with 5 girls. At one point we had an issue with one of the girls being a compulsive liar.

Know what the rest of us did? Confronted her, and when she didn't stop, kicked her out. Had her lease terminated. Seriously.

Because how could you share living space with someone you don't trust? It makes everyone else uncomfortable, always worrying, wondering if what the person is saying is truthful, be it big or small.

And now here I am, many moons later, living with and married to someone who lies to me on what is apparently a fairly regular basis.

I say apparently because I don't actually check up on him often. Rarely even (anymore). So how long as this been going on? At least a few weeks. Looks like months actually. Or maybe it just never, ever stopped.

Sometimes I wonder who this man is that I married.

Since becoming married, I have found out (usually thru his slip up) that things he told me when we were dating were not true. Things that would probably have ended the relationship had I known at the time.

Sometimes I wonder if anything in our relationship is real at all. Or is our entire life together just  a sham?

I don't even know what to feel right now.

I'm not angry. I'm don't even feel hurt.

But I am really, really sad. I feel like I could burst into tears at any moment.

I haven't talked to him since he left this morning. I don't know if I'll talk to him when he calls. Not because I'm angry. Not because I'm intentionally giving him the silent treatment, but simply because I have no words for him at this point.

No words.

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