When FireMan and I were dating, we attended a small group for married couples in the church we then-attended. In that small group, we were introduced to the idea of the Love Bank.
Since then, I've read & heard about the concept in several other areas.
The basic premise is that when someone does something that leaves you feeling good, they deposit in your account. When they do something that leaves you feeling bad, they withdraw from your account.
This is true in all relationships, but speaking maritally, couples that are headed for divorce usually have one or both parties with a balance near zero (or already negative).
Because I feel like that's a really bad explanation, and because I think this is a really interesting concept that I can see working in relationships around me (not just my marriage), I think it's important to understand. So I've linked to some other articles & posts about the concept below:
On the Concept of a Love Bank Account
The Love Bank - Simple Concept to Improve Relationships
Withdrawels from the Love Bank
How's Your Balance in the Love Bank?
Anyway, I've been thinking about this a lot lately, in relationship to FireMan & I.
Because the truth is, compared to the problems from our past, the latest is nothing. I mean really, really small compared to what we've already been through.
But I am just devastated. Miserable. Lost. Hopeless. Wondering if our marriage will ever make it.
And part of me feels bad, because I think FireMan is genuinely confused as to why these seemingly small offenses (in his words "I haven't done anything different") have resulted with me at the end of my rope.
And the Love Bank concept came to mind the other day, and I wondered if that were it.
Maybe, these recent issues made very small withdrawels. But my account was already at a very low balance from the very large withdrawels made over the past couple of years. Withdrawels that were never matched with equal or greater deposits.
There were deposits, sure, it's not like he didn't do anything right. But nothing that equalled, or even added up to, the amount of the withdrawels made.
So my starting balance was very low.
Subtract a few small withdrawels here recently, and... bam! In the words of an earlier post, the very words I spoke to FireMan... "I have nothing left"