Thursday, February 9, 2012

Did I Ruin It ??

I told FireMan I thought we should go to counseling. Like, together.

I was so scared to bring it up, and now that I've done it, I'm terrified. Did I ruin it? Did I seal the coffin?

See, FireMan has expressed before that he is not a fan of marriage counseling. His reason? He doesn't know anyone who has gone thru counseling and didn't still get a divorce. He said it doesn't work, and is basically the beginning of the end.

Similar to how it didn't work for his first marriage.

I believe him. Except I do know one couple who has gone thru counseling and is still married (three years later) and who reports that the counseling really helped them with their problems.

And that I think most couples who go to counseling usually wait too late, until one or both of them has already checked out of the marriage, and nothing but God's intervention will save them anyway.

But I think if you go before you get to that point, before you get to the end, that it can be a useful tool to help you work through some of your issues.

At least that's what I'm hoping.

So, if I was so scared, why did I bring it up in the first place?

Because I don't know what else to do.

I'm miserable.

I've always tried to be a good girlfriend and then wife to FireMan, I really have. I thought I was a good wife. But it was two years ago that it became known how terribly unhappy and unsatisfied he was in our marriage. And for the past two years I have busted my butt to save our marriage. I have worked to improve myself, to be a better person, but most importantly a better wife.

I have listened to what he said he needed & wanted in a spouse, and met those needs wherever I could.
If I were lacking in an area, I asked for help.

I have gone to counseling by myself. I have done self-help exercises. I have done homework. I have read numerous books. I have dove into the Scriptures. I have tried to engage him in discussions. I have booked us on vacations together. I have found babysitters so we could have date nights. More than anything else, I have prayed.

And now, two years later, nothing seems to have worked.

Are things better than they were before? Yes.

Are either of us happy (in our marriage)? No.

And I don't know why.

After our anniversary trip, things seemed so great for a little while. But I guess it was all a phase. Or a facade. Or whatever.

Because we're right back where we always were.

He just seems so terribly unhappy with me.

And the harder I try to be a good wife, the less it seems to matter.

He doesn't even seem to notice.

I have done things for him that have earned me comments of "Best Wife Ever" from the guys I work with when they found out. "Wish my wife would do something like that" My wife would never do that for me".

But my husband? Doesn't seem to notice, much less care.

Lately I feel more like a roommate than a wife. We split the bills, we attend family functions together. That's it.

Except when I had roommates we split the chores more evenly    :P    But that's a whole 'nother post, isn't it?

And now, two years later, almost to the day, I am out of ideas. I'm tapped out. I have nothing left.

The only idea I have, which we have not yet tried, is to go to counseling.

And so I asked him. A few days ago. He hasn't given me an answer yet.

I told him I am open to any other ideas he might have, but that I am out of ideas. I've done everything I know to do, this is it, this is my last idea. So it's up to him.

When I said it was up to him, he made a noise that I translated as "great, put all the pressure on me, and you're not gonna do anything"

So I told him to please, please don't take it like I'm giving up, and please don't take it like I'm expecting him to do all the work, it's just that over the past two years I've already done everything I know how, and it hasn't worked. I have nothing left. I'm not giving up, I'm not trying to put it all on him, it's just that this is the only idea I have left, and it won't work unless he goes to, so I have to ask him.

So now, as scared as I was to ask him, now I'm even more scared that he's gonna think about it and decide that me asking to go to counseling is the same as me giving up, and he's gonna just give up on me us in response.

So now I'm terrified. Scared that just by asking, I really ruined it all.

Why can't I fix this? Why am I failing as a wife? I don't understand...

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