royally

Wow.

Ends up my hubs has been ticked off at me for a week. I had no idea.

In the week since our anniversary spat, he's acted like everything was fine... until bedtime. Then he ignored me. And I don't just mean sexually.

Would interrupt me talking and talk right over me as if I weren't even there.

Would check messages on his phone as we're starting to cuddle up in bed.

Would generally just see right thru me.

We haven't had sex in almost a week. Which for us is a long time. And for him is unheard of. But he didn't seem interested at all.

I was hurt. Confused. What was going on? Why did he act fine all day, then reject me at night?

Ends up, he was angry with me.

I had no idea.

Seriously. None. He never said a word about being angry. He never told me he was upset with me. And other than ignoring me (but only at nighttime) he was actually treating me really well.

And the whole time he was fostering this resentment against me because I wasn't making the offense right.

Maybe if he had said something when it happened, I could have apologized and attempted to make things right, saving us both a lot of upsettedness (it's totally a word - see - I just typed it).

In the meantime, I was hurt.

Yes, by what he said about our anniversary. But then every night when he would ignore me, I would hurt again.

And then he talked about an upcoming trip he needs to go on (work, not fun). And I said repeatedly that I'd like to go with him, just to be with him. And each time I brought it up, he'd come up with a list of scenarios that involved him going alone. It seemed that he'd rather drive 10 hours alone, than with me. I was hurt. And confused.

And I never said anything. For a week.

And so my hurt & confusion grew.

Maybe if I had said something sooner we could have cleared the air much sooner.

Instead it festered in both of our hearts - anger and hurt - for a week. And then it came out in an explosion. There was a lot of talking. Some yelling. Accusations back & forth. Lots of fun.

The end result? He declared that he was going to sleep. I still wanted to hash it out until we resolved the issue. But you can't discuss things with someone snoring.

Well, I do. But it doesn't actually end up resolving anything.

And so, here we are. The next day.

I have no idea how he feels about it. He's acting like everything is normal. Then again, he was acting like everything was fine for the past week while he harbored this resentment towards me.

So does he feel better since everything is out in the air? Is he still angry?

I have no idea.

I'm still hurt. He reiterated during our... talk... that he doesn't think our anniversary is important. Ouch. I'm hurt that he once again takes no responsibility for what happened. None.

It's not his fault for holding his feelings in - it's my fault for doing it in the first place
It's not his fault for letting this anger & resentment build up - it's my fault for not taking actions to right a wrong I didn't know I'd done
It's not his fault I got hurt - it's my fault because I'm too sensitive
It's not his fault I got hurt - it's my fault for even thinking a silly anniversary would be special
It's not his fault we didn't communicate - it's my fault for not anticipating what he needed me to do/say
It's not his fault I don't feel connected to him - it's my fault because I need conversation to feel connected, and that's silly

I am fully willing to take responsibility for my part in what happened. I have. A said so last night, and I apologized.

I did mess up with the original offense. Although it's also one of those situations where you both believe you're right, so you just have to agree to disagree, the fact is I didn't put his feelings before my own, and in that way, I messed up.
I messed up by not expressing to him how he was repeatedly hurting my feelings, or by telling him I felt rejected.

I've already owned up to those, and apologized.

But him?

You'd think it'd be awesome to be married to a perfect, faultless, blameless individual. But it's not. It rather sucks. Royally.

Anniversary Spat - part 4

This is getting long, isn't it? LOL

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So today he leaves the house like nothing is wrong. Like nothing happened.

I called him at lunch. He acted like nothing happened. But of course he had to cut our conversation short because he was at Lowe's and the guys needed him.

And of course he gets off shift tomorrow and drives an hour straight (without coming home) to go to training. He might get out in time to join us for a friend's birthday party. Has training again the next day, for 8 hours. Then he's on shift again.

Basically, I anticipate not seeing my husband for at least four days.

And he's made it clear in the past that he hates talking on the phone.

After all, the guys might need him. You know, as if I don't.

I've decided I'm not bringing up our anniversary again. What's the point? He's decided he doesn't want to go, and doesn't care how much it means to me.

Besides, even if he agrees to it at this point, it's not because he wants to celebrate our first marriage milestone, or even because he wants to make me happy... at this point it would be just to shut me up. In other words, the only way he's agreeing to it now is to make his life easier, not for us, or for me.

So what's the point? I don't even want to go on an anniversary trip with someone who doesn't want to be there. That just makes everyone miserable.

So today I sent in the request to cancel my vacation days for October. You know, for our big trip. The days he called me to schedule at the beginning of the year when his department was doing their vacation scheduling (yes, they're expected to schedule the bulk of it in January each year). So he called me (ie. initiated it), we agreed on what week we would travel, we both requested, and were granted, the necessary days off work.

Something he used to be at least minimally excited about - at least enough to schedule for it 10 months in advance - he now doesn't even want to do.

And he won't tell me why.

I'm not gonna lie. I am so disappointed. I cried as I filled out the request to cancel those days. I'm on the verge of tears as I type this.

You know, I just can't help but think that even if he didn't really want to go (although I think at some point he did - or at least acted like it), that because it obviously means so much to me, he might be willing. You know, to do it for me.

And it's not like I'm trying to get him to put on a suit & go to a fancy schmancy restaurant, then take me to the ballet or anything.

I want to travel. A trip. Something he loves as well. When I was (past tense) looking up destinations, I was careful to makes sure any place I was looking at had activities he liked.

I just really don't understand what happened.

And I'm really, really hurt. Probably more than he realizes.

Of course, if he doesn't realize it, it's just because once again he's not paying attention.

{{ sigh }}

Anniversary Spat - part 3

During our conversation, he decided he needed sleep more than he needed to talk.

Of course, now my emotions are "on", so even though I am exhausted, my mind is awake.

I lie in bed next to him and talk for who-knows-how-long. I remind him of everything we've come thru, how far we've come, how bad it was. I remind him how close we came to not making it to five years.

I really think he was awake. At least during part of it. I mean, how many people scratch their heads in their sleep?

But he had no reaction to me at all. None. Once again, here I am, pouring my heart out and I get absolutely nothing in return. No reaction at all. None.

I have no idea if he were angry with me, if anything I said upset him in any way, or if, as it seems, he just doesn't care.

I am so tired of expressing - in so many ways - how much I love him & care for him and care about our marriage & family, and getting no such expression in return.

It's like he shuts me out.

I am so desperate to reconnect with my husband. To connect with him. To re-connect.

And he seems desperate to do anything but.

I am hurt. Again. Still. Today. More than 12 hours later. Hurt.

It's funny how the people you love the most, have the greatest ability to hurt you.

In fact, they don't even have to do anything. They just have to do nothing.

Anniversary Spat - part 2

After I got passed the disappointment that we couldn't take our big trip, I realized we could still work in a weekend trip. Maybe five days, tops. Two weekend days, and no more than three work days. And I could schedule it so he would only miss one shift day.

This could work. He agreed.

I started researching different locations that were within a nine hour drive of our house. If we're only going to be gone for five days (max), I don't want to spend more than a day driving, each way.

This could still be a good trip, right?

Then, last night. I asked him again where he wants to go. Lately I've been less than thrilled with his lack of enthusiasm.

He said he doesn't know. He doesn't really want to drive anywhere.

I remind him we can't afford to fly (anymore).

He says "why do we have to do a trip anyway?".

Insert shock face. Hurt, confused shock face.

My husband loves to travel. For no reason at all. For any reason at all. Why in the world doesn't he want to take a trip for our annivesary? For our fifth anniversary? We've already figured out we can still afford it, if it's smaller. I've worked out the schedule. Basically I'm doing all the work, I just want his input.

And his input is that he doesn't want to do a trip?!? I don't understand. So I ask him.

He doesn't think our anniversary is a big deal.

You thought I had a hurt, confused, shock face before...

He said maybe our 10th would be a big deal, but not our 5th. This is nothing.

I remind him that he didn't make it to 5 years in his first marriage. That he's never had a relationship last for 5 years, let alone a marriage. That I've never had a relationship make it to 5 years, let alone a marriage.

He says he knows, but doesn't see the big deal.

I concede... sort of.

I tell him maybe if we were just another couple, that had an extended honeymoon phase, or even a "normal" first few years of marriage, maybe this wouldn't be so big... but we didn't.

We had a very rough few years in there, many times when I didn't know if we'd made it, but we did! We made it! Isn't that worth celebrating?!?

Apparently not.

He really, truly, honestly doesn't seem to see the big deal. He's thinking maybe we could go out to dinner or something. You know, like we do all the time. Probably to the same place.

Real special, hubs.

Anniversary Spat - part 1

So, last night we had our first spat in over a month. Maybe longer.

And it was over our anniversary. Five months away.

See, this year is the big 5. Our fifth anniversary.

We had planned on doing a long trip (7-10 days), we always planned on doing something big for this one. On our honeymoon we talked about maybe doing similar-type trips every 5 years.

We had started looking at all-inclusive resorts in the States as well as the Caribbean. And cruises. And some other locations as well.

We're talking a big trip.

I had already decided on what I wanted to get him for his anniversary present. I had started dreaming of doing  a vow renewal (also not a new idea - something we had talked about before).

And then... some other family plans interfered. As in plans that require a nine-day-trip the same month as our anniversary.

A trip he will definitely go on, and I might attend (it's his family). I'll go if we can afford it, since you have to pay your own way.

As in, there goes our anniversary trip budget.
And time. Neither one of us can afford to be gone from our jobs for nine days, be back for four, then leave again for 7-10 days. Even if we spread it out more, neither one of us can afford to be gone for over half the month.

And the family plans involve a large group of people, and so cannot be rescheduled.

So no big trip for us.

Quick Update

Sorry I've been MIA for a while. If you read my other blog, you already know why.

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We never made it to counseling. Our appointment was the same day as my father-in-law's funeral. So... obviously that didn't happen.

Two weeks after my FIL passed away, my nephew overdosed. He's been in the ICU ever since, but should be discharged to a neurology rehabilitation center today.

Needless to say, things have been a little... emotionally unstable.... for the past month.

Thru it all, we've been doing really well though. Not perfect (is anyone ever?) but we're doing well.

As always, thanks for checking in!