Maybe my account is just really low. Maybe ???

When FireMan and I were dating, we attended a small group for married couples in the church we then-attended. In that small group, we were introduced to the idea of the Love Bank.

Since then, I've read & heard about the concept in several other areas.

The basic premise is that when someone does something that leaves you feeling good, they deposit in your account. When they do something that leaves you feeling bad, they withdraw from your account.
This is true in all relationships, but speaking maritally, couples that are headed for divorce usually have one or both parties with a balance near zero (or already negative).

Because I feel like that's a really bad explanation, and because I think this is a really interesting concept that I can see working in relationships around me (not just my marriage), I think it's important to understand. So I've linked to some other articles & posts about the concept below:

On the Concept of a Love Bank Account

The Love Bank - Simple Concept to Improve Relationships

Withdrawels from the Love Bank

How's Your Balance in the Love Bank?

Anyway, I've been thinking about this a lot lately, in relationship to FireMan & I.

Because the truth is, compared to the problems from our past, the latest is nothing. I mean really, really small compared to what we've already been through.

But I am just devastated. Miserable. Lost. Hopeless. Wondering if our marriage will ever make it.

And part of me feels bad, because I think FireMan is genuinely confused as to why these seemingly small offenses (in his words "I haven't done anything different") have resulted with me at the end of my rope.

And the Love Bank concept came to mind the other day, and I wondered if that were it.

Maybe, these recent issues made very small withdrawels. But my account was already at a very low balance from the very large withdrawels made over the past couple of years. Withdrawels that were never matched with equal or greater deposits.

There were deposits, sure, it's not like he didn't do anything right. But nothing that equalled, or even added up to, the amount of the withdrawels made.

So my starting balance was very low.

Subtract a few small withdrawels here recently, and... bam! In the words of an earlier post, the very words I spoke to FireMan... "I have nothing left"

Did I Ruin It ??

I told FireMan I thought we should go to counseling. Like, together.

I was so scared to bring it up, and now that I've done it, I'm terrified. Did I ruin it? Did I seal the coffin?

See, FireMan has expressed before that he is not a fan of marriage counseling. His reason? He doesn't know anyone who has gone thru counseling and didn't still get a divorce. He said it doesn't work, and is basically the beginning of the end.

Similar to how it didn't work for his first marriage.

I believe him. Except I do know one couple who has gone thru counseling and is still married (three years later) and who reports that the counseling really helped them with their problems.

And that I think most couples who go to counseling usually wait too late, until one or both of them has already checked out of the marriage, and nothing but God's intervention will save them anyway.

But I think if you go before you get to that point, before you get to the end, that it can be a useful tool to help you work through some of your issues.

At least that's what I'm hoping.

So, if I was so scared, why did I bring it up in the first place?

Because I don't know what else to do.

I'm miserable.

I've always tried to be a good girlfriend and then wife to FireMan, I really have. I thought I was a good wife. But it was two years ago that it became known how terribly unhappy and unsatisfied he was in our marriage. And for the past two years I have busted my butt to save our marriage. I have worked to improve myself, to be a better person, but most importantly a better wife.

I have listened to what he said he needed & wanted in a spouse, and met those needs wherever I could.
If I were lacking in an area, I asked for help.

I have gone to counseling by myself. I have done self-help exercises. I have done homework. I have read numerous books. I have dove into the Scriptures. I have tried to engage him in discussions. I have booked us on vacations together. I have found babysitters so we could have date nights. More than anything else, I have prayed.

And now, two years later, nothing seems to have worked.

Are things better than they were before? Yes.

Are either of us happy (in our marriage)? No.

And I don't know why.

After our anniversary trip, things seemed so great for a little while. But I guess it was all a phase. Or a facade. Or whatever.

Because we're right back where we always were.

He just seems so terribly unhappy with me.

And the harder I try to be a good wife, the less it seems to matter.

He doesn't even seem to notice.

I have done things for him that have earned me comments of "Best Wife Ever" from the guys I work with when they found out. "Wish my wife would do something like that" My wife would never do that for me".

But my husband? Doesn't seem to notice, much less care.

Lately I feel more like a roommate than a wife. We split the bills, we attend family functions together. That's it.

Except when I had roommates we split the chores more evenly    :P    But that's a whole 'nother post, isn't it?

And now, two years later, almost to the day, I am out of ideas. I'm tapped out. I have nothing left.

The only idea I have, which we have not yet tried, is to go to counseling.

And so I asked him. A few days ago. He hasn't given me an answer yet.

I told him I am open to any other ideas he might have, but that I am out of ideas. I've done everything I know to do, this is it, this is my last idea. So it's up to him.

When I said it was up to him, he made a noise that I translated as "great, put all the pressure on me, and you're not gonna do anything"

So I told him to please, please don't take it like I'm giving up, and please don't take it like I'm expecting him to do all the work, it's just that over the past two years I've already done everything I know how, and it hasn't worked. I have nothing left. I'm not giving up, I'm not trying to put it all on him, it's just that this is the only idea I have left, and it won't work unless he goes to, so I have to ask him.

So now, as scared as I was to ask him, now I'm even more scared that he's gonna think about it and decide that me asking to go to counseling is the same as me giving up, and he's gonna just give up on me us in response.

So now I'm terrified. Scared that just by asking, I really ruined it all.

Why can't I fix this? Why am I failing as a wife? I don't understand...

Dear Husband:

I need to know that you care as much about this marriage as I do.

I need to know that you are willing to fight as hard for this marriage as I have for the past two years.

We have our problems: yours, mine, and ours.

The blame for our situation, I am confident, does not lie with either one of us individually, but with both of us together.

And while for a brief moment I thought things were better, it's become apparent that that is simply not the case.

Maybe we just speak different languages. Maybe we just need an interpreter.

I need to see you fight for us, fight for our marriage, fight for our family, fight for me.

I don't mean for this to sound like I'm expecting you to do all the work, but the truth is that I've already done everything I know how to do. I've read the Bible, I've prayed, I've asked you what you needed from me, I've told you what I need from you, I've read multiple books about relationships & marriage, I've done what I knew how to do to be the best wife I know how, I've sought advice from trusted friends, I've seen a therapist, I've done "homework", I've flat out lied on the floor and sobbed to God to just please help us, and I booked us on our marriage weekend.

While each of those may have yielded minimal results, nothing has fixed the problem.

And now I'm out of ideas.

So I'm coming to you, my husband, and asking you for help in saving our marriage. What are your ideas? What can you do? What can we do?

I need you to want this as badly as I do. I need you to show me that you care about our marriage, about us, as much as I do. I need to see you doing the work, and I need to see you fighting for us.

Because I don't know how much fight I have left.



Love you, Always,
    Your Wife

Again. We're Doing it Again.

One of the repeated issues in our marriage came up... again.

I honestly don't know how to define the problem. Which is probably a big part of why we haven't figured out a solution, and therefore keep repeating the same behavior.

About once every couple of months, seemingly out of nowhere (for me), FireMan accuses me of being hateful (to put it nicely). He will tell me how nasty I have been to him and to FireGirl, how awful I have been treating them, etc, etc, etc.

And when I say "out of nowhere"... I mean it. Without fail, I never see this coming. I don't see this in myself. Even after he tells me this, I'll look back on the week or so prior, and I still cannot see what he's talking about.

On the rare instances that he provides me with specific examples (which is rare), I'll apologize, and let him know that it wasn't my intent to come off that way, I had no idea that's how I was coming off, etc. But the damage is done. He's hurt and he's angry and at this point I can't do anything right.

I've tried apologizing to the point of tears, I've tried arguing back that I didn't do anything wrong, I've tried ignoring it, I've tried asking him more details so I can analyze my behavior & figure out what I'm doing... all are met with the same response. I literally cannot do anything right at this point. Unless there's something I haven't thought of yet.

He angrily tells me that it usually occurs during my "time of the month" (indeed, it usually does), and that he knows it's my hormones, which is why he "lets it slide" until he can't take anymore.

I suppose this is a possibility.

But... well, first of all, I've never been a b****y PMSer. I'm a crier. The week before my period, I will cry at the drop of a hat. But in all my life I've never been legitimately accused of PMS making me nasty. Ever. By anyone.
Secondly, there's that whole, I have no idea what he's talking about thing. Not only do I not realize I'm doing it, no one around me seems affected, other than FireMan. Not even FireGirl, even though his rants usually include my horrible treatment of her as well.

There is another "monthly" possibility.

Let's just say... my old boss, when his wife was pregnant, well, the last few months of her pregnancy he made our lives a living hell. He was pissy, and nasty and just hard to be around. And he's normally a peach! Really! We finally concluded that he wasn't getting any. Sure 'nuff, a few weeks after baby was born, and he was back to normal.

So... there is one week a month where FireMan doesn't get any. And depending on how his shifts fall, it could be more than a week.

So I am currently working on a theory that maybe it's not my hormones at all, but his lack of sex that's making him nasty.

Or maybe it's a combination. Maybe my hormones make me a little off, and I could see where maybe I'm not as patient as normal, or as tolerant as normal or something, and maybe his not-gettin'-any self is on edge and irritable, and so you combine the two, and... WHAM!

I don't know. The problem we have is... well, it's not that I'm not willing to accept responsibility if I'm doing something wrong. If I'm being mean & hateful & nasty to my family I need to stop it. The problem is, I don't see it until he goes off on me, and then it's too late. Even then, I don't see what I've done. I honestly don't see it at all. So I can't stop it, I can't  make a change, if I don't know what I'm doing wrong.
So I've put it back on him, that he needs to (gently) tell me immediately if I act that way, that he can't expect me to change if he waits to blow up at me, etc.

But the thing is, he believes he's handling things the correct way, and honestly sees it as all on me. I'm the one behaving badly, so it's my responsibility to stop it. Him waiting to tell me, is his effort to be gracious to me.

So we end up with a situation where we both believe that we are completely innocent, that the problem is totally the other person's, but the other person doesn't see it at all, and in fact sees things in exactly the opposite manner.

And so, we repeat this scenario once every couple of months.

And I don't know what to do, or how to fix it.

I honestly don't know what I'm doing wrong. This time he gave me the instance when I "started" being nasty. And I was all like "What?!? Really? What are you talking about?" I disagreed with some unsolicited advice he gave me, but I don't see how what I said, or even how I said it, was mean, or nasty, or hateful, or anything. And he seemed unaffected at the moment, carried on as usual. It wasn't until the next morning, when I made another comment (which was said a little abruptly, because I was pretty sure he was gonna make FireGirl cry), and he went off on how pissy I had been lately. It snowballed from there.

Enter shock face.

And that's pretty much how it usually goes. We're having a conversation, or doing something together, minding our own business - twice in recent months I can remember specific instances where I recalled being happier than usual, in a better mood than usual, having a good time with him - when suddenly I am attacked out of the blue, no warning, feet knocked out from under me, good time immediately turned to bad.

I'm not telling you these stories to try to convince you of my innocence, but just to reiterate how much of a problem this is, that whatever is going on I am so oblivious to whatever I am doing that every. single. time. his accusations catch me by surprise. Because as far as I'm concerned, I'm just living my life, doing my thing as normal.
.
.
.
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Oh goodness. Unless that's it. Maybe he just thinks I'm a b**** all the time? Lord, sometimes I wonder.

Confession: I mess up too. Sometimes in big ways.

No, really. It's true.

Last winter, about a year ago, I messed up big. And I've debated whether or not to tell ya'll, but it's been eating at me for a while. I feel like it's something that needs to be said.

Background:I know this might be hard to comprehend, primarily because I never did disclose specifics of what FireMan did to kick off our marital issues, and also because I took a hiatus from this blog at that time, but I was in a really bad place. If you read my other blog though, you may have gathered that from some of my posts last December and January. What I've never told you though, is that it was really bad. Like I-looked-at-apartments bad. I honestly thought my marriage was over.

Story:
So, one day last December, I dropped FireGirl off and proceeded to drive to work. As I pulled into the parking lot, I lost it. I pulled into a parking spot and proceeded to sob uncontrollably.

Later that day, one of my co-workers (let's call him... Chandler) pulled me aside and asked if I were okay. Puzzled, I said I was fine. Then he told me that he had pulled into the spot next to me and saw me crying in my car, and he was worried about me. I told him I would be fine, thanked him for his concern, and we hugged it out.

Chandler continued to check on me over the next few weeks, nothing major, but just making sure I was okay. His job required him to travel weekly, so I would often get short emails while he was on the road. When he was in the office, we started visiting each other's desks.

He also parked next to me every. single. day.

Chandler was is younger, handsome, kind, intelligent, and (most importantly) seemed to genuinely care about me. At a time when I felt so alone, and it seemed like my husband hated me for some unknown reason, here was this person, this co-worker of all people, showing me more care and concern than my own husband. We became friends, but only saw or even communicated with each other at the office.

By February, Chandler & I were texting each on a regular basis. And yes, not always during office hours. Mostly evenings, sometimes for 2-3 hours at a stretch.

I started looking forward to "talking" to him. A little too much. I started getting butterflies in my stomach when my phone buzzed. And the night he ended the text calling me "hon", I knew I was in trouble.

I deleted him from my phone and unfriended him on Facebook.

That resulted in an interruption in our contact, but just because I deleted him... didn't mean he deleted me. I ignored his first few texts, but finally replied.

I felt bad. Technically, he hadn't done anything wrong. And I never told him why I cut off contact and unfriended him. I didn't want to address it.

So the texting began again.

In March, he was rotated to a different group. I literally have not seen him since.

Sometimes I wonder if that weren't a God-send for our marriage.

Because, truth be told, I wasn't very strong at that time. Not strong at all.

The texting continued for a couple of months after he rotated. And I eventually friended him on Facebook again.

Then I cut him off again. Didn't delete him, just didn't respond. That seemed to do it.

I don't remember the last time we texted each other. I still get the occasional (once a month or so) email at work from him. What do you say to the person who tells you that he was thinking of you earlier and you're awesome?

So... I messed up. I allowed myself to be drawn into this fantasy. It distracted me from the work I needed to do to save our marriage.

And sometimes I really do think his rotation was God's way of protecting me. At least maybe that was part of it.

I messed up. Royally.

I was admittedly weak at the time. And I acknowledge that at least I was strong enough to finally distance myself. But I should have never allowed myself to go there in the first place.

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In a different look at this, I think everyone should take this as a cautionary tale, that if you don't tend to your spouse... there is someone else who will.

My weakness is my issue, but I do have to think that if my own husband were talking to me (he wasn't), complimenting me (instead of insulting me), choosing to spend his time communicating with me (ha!), and sending me messages that he was thinking of me and I'm awesome (pretty sure this has never happened)... would I have been so weak? so vulnerable? so open to this kind of attention? no matter what my mental state otherwise?

I really don't think so.

So perhaps, we share the blame. However, I can blame him for not tending to me, but I cannot blame him for my actions. My actions are my own.

***************************

And to answer the questions I would be wondering if I were you:

- yes, I told FireMan. Not sure he was listening at the time, because it was during the he's-ignoring-me-at-all-costs phase, but yes, I told him.

- no, Chandler & I never "did" anything. The farthest it got was him suggesting one night that he'd like to get drunk with me some time, and me telling him it sounded like fun. Some time never came. (I know, I'm horrible, I get it, okay?)