Friday, October 14, 2011

I'm a little nervous

We're going to a marriage conference thingy thiscoming weekend.

And although I'm really excited, I'm also a little nervous.

It's something I've been looking at for... oh... I don't know... probably over a year now.

And every time I'd look at this one, I'd tear up.

I don't even remember how I found it. I think it was recommended by someone on one of my message boards, but this much later, I don't exactly recall.

But I bookmarked the site. And about every 4 to 6 weeks or so I'd look at it. And find myself on the verge of crying. But I couldn't really tell you why.

Which I have always been told is a sign that "it's the one"

Kinda like wedding dresses. You don't get the prettiest one. You get the one that makes you cry.

But I'd look at it, and think about how FireMan would never go for it. Especially when I saw the cost of the registration fee. He'd never want to pay that much for something like that.

So I'd close the site.

Then a few weeks later I'd look at it again.

And so it went. For a year.

And I found a few other marriage conferences & retreats as well. But none that struck me like this one did. Certainly none that made me cry.

Repeatedly. And still.

And I still can't tell you why. If you look at their site, there is nothing there that every other marriage conference website doesn't have. But there's something. There has to be.

I even showed it to FireMan at least once. I doubt he remembers. Because... he ignored it me. Completely. Didn't even acknowledge what I was showing him or saying. Might as well have been showing him a site selling plus-sized maternity pants.

And then... one Sunday back in late Winter we went to church and I was really about to give up. And God stepped in. And my husband has a brain after all.

That very Sunday, when I felt all was lost, it was over, our church announced they would be starting a small group for married couples... a marriage small group. And FireMan said we should sign up.

I may have nodded. I don't even know. I know I didn't speak. I didn't have any words left. He signed us up. I didn't even speak to the people leading it who smiled at me over the sign-up sheets after service. I was that low. I had no words left for anyone.

And so we went.

And it was good.

One of the last sessions, they urged us to attend a marriage retreat - a time when you go away, just the two of you, for the purpose of hashing out your issues (nutshell version). And if you don't feel ready to do it just the two of you, then please attend an organized marriage conference.

They so strongly believe in these activities as ways to strengthen your marriage, that they asked each couple to promise to do one or the other.

And we did.

I also broke into tears that night.

And on the way home I confessed to FireMan that I didn't think we were ready to do a just-the-two-of-us retreat. Not for the purpose of hashing out our issues. Because the truth is I don't trust him to be careful with my heart. Not enough to be just-the-two-of-us baring all.

But maybe we could do an organized conference?

About a week later, I grew a pair and showed him the site again.

He actually looked at it.

Like... looked.

I didn't say anything. Didn't push. I don't think I even really asked at this point. I just showed him.

He seemed open, but didn't really say anything. So I let it go.

I waited a while, and brought it up again. He looked, again.

We talked about going. Maybe. Maybe I could see what dates were they in our area?

Holy crap. They happen to be fairly close to us the same time we have scheduled off for our wedding anniversary.

Coincidence? Of course. Because my God plans my coincidences.

I told him. He said "okay"

Which is really very non-committal.

So I let it drop.

But time passed, and we never committed. I needed to pin it down. If we were going.

So I asked what we were doing for our anniversary. And when he said he didn't know, I asked if we were gonna do the marriage conference. And he said "we can". And I said "Like... I should book it, we can? or... ?"

And he said something like "yeah, I guess we should book it, huh?"

So I booked it.

And even when we realized money was getting tight, my little scrooge never once asked me to cancel.

So I think he realizes it will be a good thing too.

But... back to my original point...

I'm a little nervous.

Because part of the point (according to their website) is to address some of your issues as a couple. And we don't exactly have a great track record of doing that without fighting.

So while more of me is really excited, the closer we get, that little nervous part of me is getting a little bit louder, and a little bit louder...

I'll let you know how it goes. And will review the conference after too, 'kay?

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