Sunday, July 10, 2011

Ugh. Another Argument. I guess.

Ends up, when I say something about wishing he were around more, or wanting / needing more help around the house, wanting to be a SAHM, wanting more kids, blah, blah, blah... it seems these statements hurt FireMan's feelings.

I had no idea.

You know, because he doesn't tell me these things until he's built up so much negative feeling that he's now angry with me.

But, what I struggle with, is that I don't say those things to try to hurt him. I say those things because I'm trying to express to him what I need and/or want. And all of those things that are mentioned, are things for him to provide. Or try to provide.

I don't know.

I wish he would agree to go to counselling.

Not only because I think everyone could benefit from counselling, but sometimes I think we need intervention from some sort of communication specialist. But those don't seem to exist, so I think a marriage counselor's probably our best bet.

Because conversations like this happen way too often in our house.

He'll say something, and it just hurts me to the core, or angers me, or whatever, and when I try to talk to him about it he says I'm twisting everything, although I swear I'm just repeating what he said. Sometimes word-for-word.

Or I'll say something, and he takes it as an attack on him personally, when I'm just trying to communicate with him.

And so many other things.

And honestly, I wonder how many of our marital issues over the past couple of years could really be boiled down to miscommunications. Or lack of clear communication. I really do wonder that sometimes.

And as much improvement as there has been in other areas, these communications problems are persisting, aren't getting any better.

And I'm sure we're both at fault, in some way(s). And I'm sure how we communicate, and how we listen, and how we react - I'm sure it all has to do with our baggage. Most likely baggage we haven't dealt with yet, and possibly don't even realize we're still carrying.

Ugh. It's so... exhausting.

Literally. I am ridiculously tired today. Found myself forcing my eyes to stay open while playing with FireGirl. Like actively playing with her. So tired.

And once again I feel stuck between a rock & a hard place.

I hate the idea that what I've said has hurt him, and that was never my intention. But yes, I can see where in moments of great frustration, expressing my frustration doesn't always come out nicely. But I still was never intending to say anything to hurt him.

So I feel stuck. Either I express to him what my needs / wants are from him as my husband, and he gets hurt. Or I keep my mouth shut, put on a happy face, and never even tell him.

Neither one seems like a good choice too me.

Rock | KyFireWife | Hard Place


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