As a wife I think one of the hardest things for me to do is to work on meeting my husband's needs when I feel as if my own aren't being met.
I'm sure that's probably true of just about everyone, regardless of the relationship.
In my last post I mentioned the importance of having perspective, of realizing when little things are just that: little.
But the truth is that right now we are in a place where all those little things have begun to add up to a big thing for me. And I am struggling.
Normally, at least several times a week, I consider how I can encourage him, what I can do to ease his burden, what can I do to please him sexually, and even how I can look nice... for him. Not any one of those things being huge, but just little efforts to show my husband that I love him.
Now? Not so much.
I am in a rough place mentally. Right now Jason is not meeting several of my needs. And quite frankly hasn't for a while. Encouragement. Romance. Financial security. Support. I've tried to talk to him about each of these, but what hasn't resulted in an argument seems to have fallen on deaf ears.
I started looking up resources, challenges, inspiration today to try to get me back on track of being purposeful about showing love to my husband, but the fact is that I am not at all in the right mindset. And so I stopped looking.
Was it that bad? Yes.
Because right now I am in such a mindset that when I read how I should encourage, I think about how he has discouraged me the past few days. When I read how I should support his efforts, I think about how he has demeaned my efforts. And so on and so forth.
I know I need to change this mindset, this thought process. Because I know that I am not perfect, and in fact that I fail him daily too. I realize that this is a selfish, entitled mindset instead of a forgiving, serving mindset. But I am really struggling right now.
What about you? What causes you the biggest problem in showing your spouse how much you love them?
Thursday, July 25, 2013
Thursday, July 18, 2013
Perspective
I don't know about you, but sometimes, my husband just gets on my nerves.
The other day I found myself feeling this grating on my nerves as I did housework... and he sat on the couch on his laptop.
Now, unless you're new to my blogworld, you know by now that this is not a new issue. We've had this battle several times, and finally settled in... to a messy house.
Long story short, our fights would go like this:
Hubs (usually from his perch on the couch): "This house is filthy. Why don't you do something?"
Me: "Because I worked 8 hours today, got Jena ready for preschool, dropped her off, picked her up, made dinner, gave her a bath, got her ready for bed, did laundry & dishes, took out the trash, & cleaned the kitty litter and am just now sitting down to relax for the first time since I woke up 15 hours ago?"
Hubs (usually rolling his eyes): "Well, my mom worked too" (or insert any other name of a working mom who keeps a better house than I do)
Me: "It's physically impossible for me to do it all. I need more help. Either make more money so I can stay home, make more money so we can hire a housekeeper, or help out around here more yourself"
Hubs is silent.
Now, obviously not every conversation went exactly like that, but you get the gist. That's pretty much how the argument went for a few years. Until he stopped nagging me.
But he also still doesn't help out around the house. Nor can I quit my job. Nor can we afford a housekeeper. So the house is perpetually not clean. And now you know why I don't have people over more often.
But on the other hand, we don't argue as much anymore. And not about housework at all really. So our home is more peaceful.
Both of us picking our battles, I suppose.
But sometimes... sometimes... the disparity drives me nuts sometimes.
Our morning routines are a great example:
When he gets up, he typically rolls out of bed, gets out a clean towel & rag (that I washed, folded & put away) takes a shower, grabs a clean uniform out of the closet (that I washed, folded, & put away), then grabs a quick breakfast (that I went grocery shopping for), then heads out the door, and drives to work.
When I get up, I typically do 2-3 chores (usually laundry or dishes related), get Jena's breakfast ready, set out her clothes for the day, iron & set out my clothes for the day, take Jason's towel that he left in the shower, fold it and put it on the towel rack, take my shower, get dressed, fix my hair, get Jena dressed (if she hasn't already, we're about 50/50 at this age), fix Jena's hair, load up the car, drive to preschool, drop her off, and drive to work.
Am I the only one who sees the disparity there? And so yes, sometimes I get frustrated, and even angry.
But.. the other day, right as I was on the verge of complaining about the housework / child care disparity, right as the words were ready to come out of my mouth, the thought hit me (and by "hit me" I mean completely out of the blue, like maybe God was trying to tell me something):
"Isn't it great that the biggest thing you have to complain about is housework?"
Ouch. What a reminder to have a little perspective. As a couple Jason & I have certainly been thru the wringer already when it comes to marriage issues, even very serious ones. If the biggest complaint I have right now, if the worst thing he's doing right now is not doing "enough" housework... what a great marriage we must have.
And so I kept my mouth shut. And instead of complaining when I see housework that I wish he would help with, I'm trying to take it as a reminder of how far we've come as a couple, that this is now the biggest thing I can complain about.
What about you? Have you ever had a moment of gaining perspective on your marriage?
The other day I found myself feeling this grating on my nerves as I did housework... and he sat on the couch on his laptop.
Now, unless you're new to my blogworld, you know by now that this is not a new issue. We've had this battle several times, and finally settled in... to a messy house.
Long story short, our fights would go like this:
Hubs (usually from his perch on the couch): "This house is filthy. Why don't you do something?"
Me: "Because I worked 8 hours today, got Jena ready for preschool, dropped her off, picked her up, made dinner, gave her a bath, got her ready for bed, did laundry & dishes, took out the trash, & cleaned the kitty litter and am just now sitting down to relax for the first time since I woke up 15 hours ago?"
Hubs (usually rolling his eyes): "Well, my mom worked too" (or insert any other name of a working mom who keeps a better house than I do)
Me: "It's physically impossible for me to do it all. I need more help. Either make more money so I can stay home, make more money so we can hire a housekeeper, or help out around here more yourself"
Hubs is silent.
Now, obviously not every conversation went exactly like that, but you get the gist. That's pretty much how the argument went for a few years. Until he stopped nagging me.
But he also still doesn't help out around the house. Nor can I quit my job. Nor can we afford a housekeeper. So the house is perpetually not clean. And now you know why I don't have people over more often.
But on the other hand, we don't argue as much anymore. And not about housework at all really. So our home is more peaceful.
Both of us picking our battles, I suppose.
But sometimes... sometimes... the disparity drives me nuts sometimes.
Our morning routines are a great example:
When he gets up, he typically rolls out of bed, gets out a clean towel & rag (that I washed, folded & put away) takes a shower, grabs a clean uniform out of the closet (that I washed, folded, & put away), then grabs a quick breakfast (that I went grocery shopping for), then heads out the door, and drives to work.
When I get up, I typically do 2-3 chores (usually laundry or dishes related), get Jena's breakfast ready, set out her clothes for the day, iron & set out my clothes for the day, take Jason's towel that he left in the shower, fold it and put it on the towel rack, take my shower, get dressed, fix my hair, get Jena dressed (if she hasn't already, we're about 50/50 at this age), fix Jena's hair, load up the car, drive to preschool, drop her off, and drive to work.
Am I the only one who sees the disparity there? And so yes, sometimes I get frustrated, and even angry.
But.. the other day, right as I was on the verge of complaining about the housework / child care disparity, right as the words were ready to come out of my mouth, the thought hit me (and by "hit me" I mean completely out of the blue, like maybe God was trying to tell me something):
"Isn't it great that the biggest thing you have to complain about is housework?"
Ouch. What a reminder to have a little perspective. As a couple Jason & I have certainly been thru the wringer already when it comes to marriage issues, even very serious ones. If the biggest complaint I have right now, if the worst thing he's doing right now is not doing "enough" housework... what a great marriage we must have.
And so I kept my mouth shut. And instead of complaining when I see housework that I wish he would help with, I'm trying to take it as a reminder of how far we've come as a couple, that this is now the biggest thing I can complain about.
What about you? Have you ever had a moment of gaining perspective on your marriage?
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